If I had _______, then I would be happy...

This is a lie I tell myself way more often than I should.  When I was single, I wanted to be married.  When I was married and living in a rental house, I wanted to buy a house.  When we had bought that house, I wanted children to fill that house.  When I wasn't working, I wanted something to do.  When I was serving at a restaurant, I wanted a job that was more consistent and independent.  The problem is, there's always something that seems better than what you have if you stop and think of it that way. It starts in one area (most recently, my job), and when it isn't stopped there, it can quickly spread to all areas of my life.  Last night, it hit me how discontented I've become.

I have decided to make a conscious effort to practice thankfulness and contentedness moving forward. In reading various ways to help that practice, one writer suggested making "Top 5" lists stating the things you love about the areas where you've been far from content.  So, here are mine for today:

Top 5 Things I Love About My Job:

1. I am able to work independently.
2. I get to help and do things for people every day.
3. It provides a comfortable life for Sam and I (extra money, health insurance, etc.)
4. I have a lot of time off compared to most jobs.
5. I generally really enjoy being around my coworkers.

Top 5 Things I Love About Our House:

1. We have been able to transform run down areas into beautiful, peaceful and functional spaces.
2. We have been able to make so much of the furniture by hand, or finish/install items ourselves.
3. We have learned new skills or gained experience with things we had done before.
4. It is inexpensive to live there.
5. It is in the country, with a lot of space outside.

Top 5 Things I Love About My Appearance/Style:

1. My eyes are a very fun shade of blue.
2. My hair is super easy and generally looks great.
3. I am strong.
4. My style is easy-going and matches my personality, but I can also pull off professional/sporty styles too.
5. I am fit enough to find things I like at most clothing stores.

Top 5 Things I Love About My Life:

1. I have a sweet, smart, hardworking husband who loves me, and who works at showing me love in ways I understand.
2. We have families who genuinely love and care about each other, who get along for the most part, and who have remained strong through very difficult things.
3. I have friends who love and care about me, and who pursue time with me even when my introverted social anxiousness keeps me from investing as much time into my relationships as I should.
4. Sam and I are both mostly healthy and able to pursue the lives we want.
5. We have a stable supply of all essential needs.

2.5 Years Later...

Let me fill you all in on the last few years:

My sweet Ralph got sick at the end of 2015 and ended up dying a few days after Christmas.  It was heartbreaking and awful to lose the boy who was such a good friend to me for so long.  We went through a lot together.

Sam's brother, sister-in-law, and their kids moved to Scranton, PA (yes, that Scranton) to go to seminary.  That left their house, which was actually Sam's house that he was letting them live in, open and available for us!  Unfortunately, the house had become pretty run down, so we started a pretty major renovation in January.  Here you can see some of the work we've done in before and after shots:

Dining Room Before

This is what the dining room looked like before: Dark.  The wainscoting is actually original to the house.  Sam's brother and his wife refinished it, and added drywall over the plaster walls.  We just repainted everything.  We have redone the floors since this picture was taken, and we made a corner cabinet for the corner you can see here.  It houses our fancy dishes. :)

Dining Room After

Kitchen Before

The kitchen was falling apart.  It was probably in the worst shape, as far as the entire house is concerned.  We would have loved to have saved the kitchen cabinets--a wedding present to Sam's grandma from his great-grandpa--but they were too far gone.  We completely gutted the kitchen, filled in a doorway, put in new wiring, insulation, drywall, cabinets, counter tops and sink.  The only thing we didn't replace was the stove they left and our fridge.

Kitchen After

Living Room Before

 The living room is very interesting.  It used to be the porch and Sam's grandpa turned it into a living room because that's what grandma wanted.  The room is 26'x9.5'.  We took down the old lace curtains and the trellis Tiffiny had put up.  We filled in the old window and the doorway that used to lead to the kitchen, we repainted everything and put up new curtains.  The windows are old and need to be replaced, but with 11 windows, that project gets expensive and time consuming.  It will have to wait!

Living Room After

We made a few pieces of furniture for this house.  It was my first time making furniture and I had a blast learning and experimenting.  I'm so thankful for a husband who is patient with all of my wild ideas.  He taught me how to use the circular saw and cut the pieces I wasn't confident cutting. And he cut all of the pieces for the first project.  I should add that the door on the corner cabinet has been painted since this picture was taken. It's all white now.

Also in January, we added this insane puppy to our family:

 She ended up getting hit by a car on the road in front of our house in April.  Both of her back legs were hurt badly and she ended up having surgery to repair two joints in her right leg, and had a ton of staples in her left leg.  We had to help her walk using a harness on her hips so she couldn't put full weight on her legs, and so we could catch her if she started to fall.  She handled it all better than we did. :)

As you can see, she's doing fine now.  She's insane, opinionated, constantly moving, very playful, and still wants to run to the road any chance she gets.  So she's an inside dog, and stays on a leash outside.  We go for walks in the pasture (far away from the road) and I let her run out there.  She loves it!   

So, here we are, enjoying 2017 and all of the adventures she has thrown our way.  Sam is moving to a new job in Joplin.  I'm so thankful for this opportunity for him, but I'm going to miss seeing him whenever I want at work.  He'll be teaching middle school and high school math at an independent school.  I think it will be a great  place for him.

We have done quite a bit of visiting friends this summer, and working on our house.  But mostly, we are settling in and trying to figure out what we want from life.  We're in our early 30's, so we're starting to seriously plan for the next big chunk of our life--what do we do as far as kids, jobs, house, etc. are concerned?  I know people who are in their 60's still ask those questions, but we'd like to at least have some sort of plan in place so that we aren't still wondering what to do with our lives when we'd like to be retired.

We have developed a few new hobbies over the past few years as well: I've added milking a cow (not sure how much longer I'll keep that up.  It's very time consuming, which is not good when we're trying to keep up a yard and a house during the summer!), making cheese (I've made gouda, feta, mozzarella, ricotta, and I've got cheddar and monterey jack aging in the garage...we'll see how they turn out), and Sam added podcasting.  He and his friend Matt have a podcast called "According to the Technical Rules". You can check them out on itunes, google play, stitcher, etc.  They're also on Facebook.

Okay, hopefully that covers the main points.  I'm sure I'll think of more later, but for now, that's all I've got.  Oh, and here in the south it's been about 98 degrees with 70-80% humidity lately.  There are spiders that build webs between the trees and the ground every night (you have to walk with a flashlight or you'll get a face full of spider every few feet).  And we should mow our lawn about every 5 days (we do more like 7-10...who has time for every 5 days?!).  That's how life in the south rolls during the summer. I hope you're enjoying your summer!  I hope you stay cool, dry, and spiderless.

New Years Resolutions

I normally don't like this time of year. I don't like the pressure of starting new habits or diets or practices all while recovering from the exhaustion and the food comas of Christmas. 

This year, I feel differently. Sam asked me what my theme would be this year. I have decided this year will be the start of living the life I want to lead. We talk about growing a really good garden, going on adventures, eating well, and losing weight, but we barely do any of it. Whenever I put in the extra effort to make something happen, I thank myself for it later. 

Maybe that's a side effect of waiting so long to get married. We lived a long time in the "Well, when I get married... *then* I'll do (or be) __________". And we got especially comfortable in that mentality because we had "When my mom isn't dying...." or "When we are past this first year of marriage...."  And then we moved on to "When we have kids...."  But now that Sam is in his thirties, and I'm almost thirty myself, we realize we can't keep saying that forever. Eventually it will be "I can't get around without a wheelchair or a lot of pain...."  So, now is the time. We need to live our life. We can't assume it will be better or easier around the next corner. 

Giving Pain Significance

It is just about 2:00 am. I can't sleep. After dealing with multiple friends and family members who are pregnant, I find myself wondering—

Why does pregnancy always trump lack of pregnancy?

Why is it that my sadness and pain is never as valid as someone else's happiness?  As soon as someone tells me they are pregnant, I am required to tell them how happy I am for them and congratulate them. It doesn't matter how terrible of a day I've had. It doesn't matter if I just, once again, found out I'm not pregnant. It doesn't matter how many other friends have told me today that they're pregnant. It doesn't matter how emotionally raw I already am. I am compelled to tell this person that I am happy for them.

Am I happy?  No. I am holding back tears. I am angry. I feel hurt and hopeless and destroyed. But, because that doesn't matter, I congratulate them.

I'm starting to wonder if I have been doing this all wrong. I think I may have to start giving my pain it's due significance. I need to start putting my family (even without kids) ahead of someone else's family. If I don't, I think I may go crazy.

Summer Evenings

Driving on a country road, Ralph sitting comfortably at my side and Huckleberry letting the wind from the open window blow up his nose until he sneezes, I am content and free. Folk music mixes with smells of grass, cows, and hot, humid air. I am singing along to the words and melodies. Fireflies are dancing in the ditches, flashing their lights here and there and filling me with child-like awe and excitement. I love fireflies. I love summer evenings. 

The First Few Steps Forward

Well, we finally gave up and gave in to the fact that we won't have a baby that genetically belongs to both of us unless we both lose weight. We have both put some effort into this in the past and have been somewhat successful. We have both noticed that we lose weight the fastest and most continually if we cut out sugar and starches. So, we have given up the things we love the most and have filled our fridge with fruits and veggies. We have been doing this for about 3 weeks now and have collectively lost somewhere around 20lbs. We have both done things to remind ourselves of our future children. When it gets really tough to skip the ice cream or the brownie, we remind each other of our reasons for doing this. We almost wrote their names on our fridge. I may do that later if it gets more difficult. 

If any of you are trying to eat more healthy, real food, I would suggest a couple of things:

1) thefoodee.com. This is a website that compiles recipes from a ton of paleo and whole30 websites. We don't always follow the recipes exactly because we aren't cutting out dairy, but the recipes have generally been really tasty!  The other thing that's great is that you "save" recipes and it compiles your shopping list for you!  It's so handy!

2) Be prepared to spend a lot of time in the kitchen. Making everything from scratch is delicious and fulfilling, but it also takes some time and effort. 

3) cauliflower rice. We like rice and eat a lot of it, or at least we used to. Try chopping a head of cauliflower in your food processor (a few large florets at a time) and dump into an oiled cookie sheet, spread around to coat with oil. Then bake in a 400 degree oven for 15ish minutes until browned. It is good to mix it up and spread it around again somewhere in the middle. This is delicious and has made several of our meals more satisfying. 

Anyway, this will take us a while, but I'm so excited for our future, our children, our energy and ability levels increasing. 

Ups and Downs

I'm not sure I've posted about Katy Days before.  Parsons was built around the Railroad and thrived on Railroad money until the end of the Railroad era.  Parsons still loves its trains and its history.  Every Memorial Weekend, we celebrate the MKT (Katy) Railroad and everything that once made Parsons more populated than Kansas City.  They have the old guys who used to work for MKT come in and demonstrate how they laid the tracks.  They're called Gandy Dancers.  It is pretty crazy to watch these 70+ year old men throwing sledge hammers around like they're nothing, pounding huge spikes into the ground.  They have music, crafts, a petting zoo, Miss Katy Days pageant, and all the carnival food you could ever want (complete with roasted turkey legs and homemade root beer).  They also do something called the "Spike it Rich" Medallion hunt.  They hide a medallion somewhere in city limits on public property and then post clues and see who finds it first.  The winner gets $500.  So, Sam and I decided to go look for it last night.  The clues are pretty rough, but we thought we had it narrowed down pretty well.  After we looked at today's clue, I was pretty sure I knew where it was.  I told a co-worker about it so we decided to go look this afternoon.  We were right!  We were at the right park...just about 30 minutes or an hour too late!  Someone else found it right before us.  I'm disappointed we missed out on $500, but I'm pretty proud of us for figuring it out, even with the poorly-written clues.  Sam asked me if I was proud of myself for doing something traditionally "Parsons" (judging by the other people we saw wandering around looking for the medallion, he does not mean this as a compliment).  I did have a good time.  I felt very southern.

                                                                                                               

SEK is pretty humid and warm lately.  It has actually been pretty "dry" this year as far as rainfall goes, but it has been pretty muggy and humid.  I really dislike the humidity, but I have recently discovered something I really do enjoy about humidity.  I love going for a walk and hearing the birds singing and chirping in the trees and hearing those muffled echos you only hear on really humid days or in climate controlled botanical gardens.  For some reason that sound feels both familiar and special.  It makes me happy, even as the sweat drips down my back and my hair grows exponentially larger.

                                                                                                                 

We had a rough Mother's Day.  I almost thought I was pregnant.  I let myself hope even though I knew I shouldn't.  It was even more rough because for some reason, no matter what I said, someone asked me if the reason I said/did ___________ was because I was pregnant.  This week one of our friends told us they were pregnant.  I am happy for them. I really am.  They will be great parents and they are excited.  But no matter who it is, or how happy I am for them, I always hurt deeply for Sam and I every time I hear someone is pregnant.  I long for the day I get to tell Sam that he's going to be a dad.  I want to be happy when someone asks me if I'm pregnant...I want to grin and be able to say yes.  It is hard to wait for that. It is hard to have patience and to remember that there is still time--that it would be difficult to deal with the stress of pregnancy or a new baby when we are still dealing with the stress of a graduate degree.  

I will probably still allow myself to be hopeful sometimes. I think without hope I would go crazy from the waiting.  

Sorry for the random post...sorry for ending on a downer of a thought.  But that's what life is like--full of ups and downs, silliness and heartache--and you just have to go with it and take it as it comes.

Sometimes...

I was driving to church this morning and the breeze smelled like new life. It smelled like fresh cut grass and sunshine. It smelled like blooming flowers. 

I want a baby. Sometimes it hits me out of nowhere. Sometimes it makes it hard to breathe. Sometimes it is far enough below the surface that I can pretend it isn't there, but not today. Today I feel it, deeply and intensely. 

Spring

This is one of my favorite things about living in the south: seasons. I love that winter doesn't last until the end of May when it suddenly switches to a hot, dry summer that lasts until the end of August when it starts snowing out of nowhere. Here, we get blue skied days where the sun heats up what the breeze is cooling off. We get daffodils and lilies pushing their way through dirt toward sunshine. 

We went camping last night. Well, Sam slept outside. Between the cold, hard ground and my back still recovering from the latest "episode", I have up and slept at the in-laws'. But, we pitched our tent, cooked outside, and stayed up talking after the sun went down. 

We woke up to a beautiful day. Now we are sitting inside a quiet house, listening to the birds chirping and the breeze blowing. *Insert sigh of contentment here*

Inhale. Exhale.

I made it. I survived my week. I worked a total of 41 hours this week, which wouldn't have been too awful except that we had a snow day on Monday.  One of my department's had their application deadline this week, and they also had a huge reaccreditation project due as well. 

It was chaos. It was exhausting. I made it. 

Stress Relief

I should have done something to relax. I should have done some preventative stretching. I didn't. Friday is the application deadline for one of the programs I work for. A week from Friday is the deadline for another program. So, work has been pretty crazy. I have been running all day long at work. I have worked through lunch two days in the last week. I could tell it was getting to be too much. My lower back was starting to feel weak. I took the dogs for a walk and my lower back got tired from holding huckleberry back when he saw cats or dogs. I still didn't do anything to help it. 

Yesterday we went to our niece's birthday party. We beat the family back to Sam's parents house. Sam was doing something outside and had asked me to put a snack in the fridge. So, I put it in the fridge and grabbed a Pepsi. I stood up and started walking and my back started hurting. I'm not sure what happened. 

So, I have spent the last 30 hours hearing and icing by back, laying on the floor, couch, or bed, letting Sam get me drinks or food. It is so much easier to have a bad back when you have a sweet husband who takes care of you when your hurt. He even helps me up off the floor or couch. 

Anyway, I'm relaxing now. I'm doing stretches now. I should have done them last week, but it is better late than never, right?

Oh, also, it is insanely cold outside today.  We had some freezing rain last night, then sleet, and now it is snowing. There isn't much on the ground, but it is reeeeally cold. I'm wearing two shirts, two pairs of pants, wool socks, a thick blanket, a heating pad is relaxing my back, the heaters are on high, and somehow my feet and hands are still freezing. Ugh. I'd still take this over summer. Call me crazy. 

My not-pregnant self

I don't know how many of you have Facebook or other social media accounts. I do, and have several pregnant friends. You may remember that we have been dealing with infertility and have been trying for several years to get pregnant. So, bear in mind that the infertility issue may have made me more cynical and bitter than people who haven't struggled with this. 

Okay, so many of my pregnant friends post status updates that "condition drop" their pregnancy in the same way people "name drop" famous or important connections.  They do this in such a way as to imply that pregnancy is the only possible reason the rest of the update could occur. For instance:

  "My pregnant self slipped on the ice today.  I'm so sore now!" Or "I went swimming today.  I'm pregnant, so it felt amazing!" Or "I'm so tired! This pregnant mama NEEDS a nap!"

Don't get me wrong, I'm aware that pregnancy can make you more clumsy, or feel more warm than usual. I know that pregnancy can be exhausting. I guess what bugs be is that it sort of implies that I, because I am not pregnant, cannot possibly slip on the ice, need a nap, or enjoy swimming. It makes me want to start adding "my non-pregnant self" (or possibly "my barren self?") to status updates. 

  "Stayed up late last night on a date with my husband!  My non-pregnant self needs a nap!"  Or "I went on every roller coaster in the park today. My barren self is so sore and nauseous!"  

Is that terrible of me?  My friends do it in person too. "I think I'll go home after lunch today. I just am so tired. I mean, I'm pregnant, so..."  Ugh. I need to remember to not do this to my single or non-pregnant friends if/when we do get to have kids. 

Ralph

I woke up at 5 this morning. My back hurt and several other minor annoyances were keeping me awake. Ralph seemed to notice my discomfort. Normally, he would jump off the bed and begin barking his frustration. This morning, however, he crawled up toward the head of the bed. He buried his nose in my hair and let me pet him, the two of us sharing the space of my pillow. He fell asleep there.  So did I. 

On Adorable Children

I downloaded the blogger app on my phone in the hopes that seeing it every day will remind me to write more often. So far, it seems to be working. 

We went to HuHot, a Mongolian BBQ place we like, in Joplin last week. We went with the Jacks for Elsha's fifth birthday and Sam's thirty-first. The cooks at the grill have a few "call and response" yells they do as a team. Elsha and Lizka have learned them and *love* joining in. "How hot?" one guy will shout. "Hu Hot!" The girls answer with the rest of the guys. The food is good, too, but the entertainment is top notch. 

Yesterday we went to my cousin Jono's son's second birthday party. The theme was Hungry Caterpillar. I made a caterpillar cupcake cake.  That evening, we got to hang out with them even more at my first Hickory Hole (a resurrection of an old Parsons BBQ place) experience.  It was delicious. They came back to our house afterward and we watched tv and talked. Atti fed us imaginary food while we all groaned from eating too much real food. They asked Atti if he liked his party and he said yes.  Courtney asked him what he liked most about it and he said "Cake!"  I'll chalk that up as a win for team Aunt Hannah. 

It is back to work tomorrow. At Chinese chef on Friday, my fortune said my life would find me on the water soon. I think that means I need a vacation. 

Nostalgia

I heard from a friend that the old blog site, xanga.com, was shutting down.  The site had instructions to download your old posts and import them to a wordpress site. So, I made a new site for the purpose of housing my old xanga posts. I immediately got started on reading them. I started at the most recent post and worked my way back, leaving off at the end of my senior year of college. Reading my old posts made me realize a few things about myself and my life. They are as follows:

I used to post short posts every few days. I want to get back into the habit of doing that. It was good for my writing and good for the record-keeping. It is so fun to look back at what your led was like 5-10 years ago. Reading your own words brings back a lot of memories and emotions. I would like to have that record so that 5-10 years from now I can look back and remember this time in my life as clearly as I remember 2003.

I used to be very lonely and desperate for love. It is so lovely to look back and realize that 20-year-old Hannah would be so satisfied and content in her 28-year-old self's relationship and marriage. I am loved, and loved very well. Sam is such a good husband and man.  I never have to wonder if he "likes" me, or if we are on the same page. It is nice being secure in that.

I used to be very insecure and unsure of myself. I am still fairly insecure about a lot of things, but it is getting so much better. I give most of that credit to Dee, Claire, Caitlin, and Sam. Those guys have put so much into my life, constantly speak truth to me about my worth and character. If you hear it enough, you start to believe that you're alright.

This all came after seeing Five Iron Frenzy this weekend. Such a week of nostalgia and self-reflection.  Those weeks are good to have sometimes.

Anyway, other than that, it has been a pretty crazy week with work and church and helping people out. I'm thankful to be sitting on the couch after taking the dogs for our first run since the fall. I got a gnarly cold in November and I just got over it in the end of February. Then I was just crazy busy and still couldn't run. Anyway, I'm now terribly out of shape again, so I'm taking it slow on the running. During my insane cold, the weather was also insanely cold. Our pipes froze 3 separate times.   Ugh. It had finally warmed up a bit. It is nice to be in t-shirts with jackets again.

Well, I'm going to get back to the relaxing. Good evening, all.

Making Myself At Home

It is difficult to put down roots. It requires vulnerability and trust. When I first became a Southerner, I was very guarded. I had just left my “home area” of 25 years, my friends, my climate, my terrain, my singleness behind and moved to Parsons. It shouldn’t have been that different, but it was in almost every way. And I was different, too, in almost every way. I’m sure it didn’t help that I had to deal with the passing of my Mom during that year as well, as that only added more ways that my world and I had changed.

Sam and I realized the other day, that after over 2 years of living in the house we own, we still haven’t really settled in. We have no art or pictures on the walls, we have piles of belongings in most corners, stacks of magazines we meant to throw out and never did, half-finished home improvement projects. Neither of us had made this our home. We had to take a hard look at why we hadn’t done such a basic thing. We realized that the underlying reason is that we had both been planning for a future that revolved around the kids we don’t have. So, in my quest to be content with my present situation, I have been making a conscious effort to put down roots--to make real friendships and not just acquaintances or Sam’s friends, to put up decorations, to make our house a home.

Last night, a friend and I took dinner over to another friends’ house. Her family is going through some tough times and we have been trying to help her out as much as we can. They both have daughters right around the same age (one just turned 4 and the other will turn 4 next week) who are good friends. The girls were so happy to see each other, they just kept running and playing and screaming and being adorable. My friends and I just chatted about life, and laughed at the kids, and enjoyed ourselves. It was one of the first times since I’ve moved here where I felt like I had friends I could hang out with without our husbands and have a genuinely good time. It was so fun and refreshing.

We are working on de-cluttering our house, finding permanent places for the things we use instead of stacking them in corners. We are working on making it a comfortable home for us and for those who come to visit us. Last weekend, Sam let me buy a wardrobe to house our blankets and the set of dishes I inherited from my Mom. Our dining room looks so much warmer!

Home is a slow process. It is hard to change so much and then relax and settle. I’ve clearly done a pretty rough job of it for the last 3 years, but I’m working on it. I’m so thankful for my sweet husband who supports and loves me, even when I’m confusing, isolating, and unhappy. And I’m thankful for my friends here, who have tried repeatedly to be my friends even while I held them at a distance. It is good to be loved. I definitely am loved.

Infertility is my Belly Button

Contentment.

More and more, I’m learning how terrible I am with this concept. I have *almost* everything I could ever want or need. I have the most fantastic husband I could ask for. He spoils me rotten (he’s letting me get the iPhone 5s next week!), he cooks for me, cleans for me, works on his Masters degree, works at his job, teaches classes, hugs me, kisses me, supports me through everything. He is seriously amazing. I know, you’re all jealous. We have a house that doesn’t leak, keeps the cold/hot air out and keeps the warm/cool air in. We have two crazy dogs who are so excited to see us, even if we’ve only been gone for a few minutes. We have two cars that work most of the time. We both have jobs, insurance, food, and clothing. We both have interests, hobbies, projects. We both have families who love and support us. And yet, in the midst of all of these amazing people/animals/things we’ve been blessed with, I still have this nagging hole in my heart and mind.

We bought a big house so we would have room for our kids. We got jobs so we could pay for their food and fun adventures as a family. Sam is working on his degree so that we can easily afford for me to stay home with the kids. All of our plans, or at least all of mine, are centered around people who don’t exist.

And when you’re planning for a future around people who don’t exist, how do you live your current life? I seem to spend most of my time cycling through periods of hope and despair and indifference, focussed inward on the hole. My mom used to talk about “Belly Button Syndrome.” She said there is a period in a baby’s development where they realize they have a belly button. It is fascinating to them. They can’t get their minds off of how amazing their belly button is. She said most people never leave that stage. They are fascinated by their own person, focussed inward on their own self (the good or the bad). They barely see the people around them, except to share with them the complete awesomeness of their belly button. I used to think I wasn’t like this. I thought I looked around, congratulated others on their belly buttons, aware that I had one of my own but not focussed on it. I have come to realize lately that infertility is my belly button.

The Fourth of July

I hope you all had a fantastic Fourth.  Last week could not have come at a better time in our house.  Sam worked so hard, finishing assignments, studying for, and taking, a test and a final.  He was spent.  I was spent. I don’t know how many emotional breakdowns we had that week. You know it’s bad when you can’t even count the breakdowns.  But we survived.  He took his final on Thursday... and passed.  We celebrated by renting out the pool and inviting our friends and family to swim and eat homemade ice cream with us. It was the perfect celebration for a very impressive accomplishment: survival.  

The Community College where Sam and I work was closed all last week, so when we left work Thursday, we started on our 10-day weekend.  It was absolutely perfect timing--coming off of the most stressful week either of us could remember and straight into 10 days of paid vacation.  We had plenty to do that week, since the Fourth of July is a major holiday here.  And life threw a few curve balls into the mix also.  Here are the highlights from the last 10 days:

Friday: I went on a nice, hot, 7 mile bike ride in the afternoon.  And then we went to the pool for the party!  We swam and talked and laughed and ate ice cream!  We brought vanilla and coconut (vegan) ice cream and Phil and Julie (Sam’s parents) make a chocolate ice cream that tastes like a Wendy’s Frosty. It was tasty.  Everyone who came brought a topping. We had some tasty sundaes!

Saturday: We left in the afternoon to drive to Joplin for our friends’ wedding and to do a little shopping and have dinner before the wedding started.  We made it about 10 miles outside of town and then our car broke down (*again*).  No tow trucks were around the area, so we had to call our very, very kind friends to come pick us up with their car trailer.  They brought us ice cold bottles of water since we’d been sitting on the side of the road in the sun. They’re so nice!  After a new fuel pump purchased and installed on Monday, the car is back to running again!

Tuesday: Sam was playing games at a friend’s house and I was getting some things done around the house.  I weeded the front flower bed, watered it and had just started to mulch it when I leaned on the one of the rails at the front of the house and felt a sharp stabbing pain on the tip of my first finger.  I pulled my hand back quickly and saw a black spider crawling on my hand.  I shook it off and ran inside. It hurt *so* badly.  I washed it under cold water and it just kept burning.  I put some ice on it and then called Sam to see what I should do (since he took the computer with him).  He came and got me and we tried to find a non-ER doctor to look at it, but no one could.  So I went with Sam to the friend’s house in case I started feeling sick or having an allergic reaction.  But nothing happened other than stabbing, burning pain every time I took my finger off of ice.  So, it must not have been too serious.  The pain calmed down (still hurt, but not so bad I couldn’t think) in the afternoon, so I did some more work around the house. There is still a red dot where I was bitten and it still has that same burning pain if I push on it (which has only happened on accident), so I leave it alone and all is fine. But it was definitely exciting!

Wednesday: Bridesmaid dress shopping with my Aunt, Cousin, and Cousin-In-Law for my other Cousin’s wedding.  We went to the mall afterward and bought $5 Old Navy t-shirts.  My Aunt bought us frozen custard on the way home for my birthday (1.5 months late, but it’s the thought that counts, right?)  Then... Altamont Fireworks!  We went back to the pool for a pool party with our friends.  After the party we had some snacks and watched the city fireworks.  The water was cold that night so I’m pretty sure no one watched from the water, but it was still fun.

Thursday: We woke up to a puddle of water in our laundry room.  The fun part is that in the laundry room we have several possible water sources, so we had to spend quite a while pulling things out, drying the floor, watching where new water appeared, etc.  We finally decided it was our semi-scary water heater (possibly about 15 years old).  We then tried to figure out how to drain it, which we did, but happened really slowly.  We left it to drain in the afternoon and went to my Aunt and Uncle’s for dinner before the Parson’s fireworks.  The nieces and nephews were all super crazy in the evening, so my cousin and I took them to the park to run around.  Sam and I priced hot water heaters using the internet on our phones while we waited for the fireworks to start.  They finally started and the show was great!

Friday: I decided to ride my bike down to Phil and Julie’s house for their fireworks party.  I got everything ready for Sam so he could just load it all and leave.  I left at around 4:20pm and rode into a headwind the entire way down.  It took me over 2 hours and I made it within 3 miles of their house (I rode 22 miles!) before I called Sam to come pick me up.  It was fun, but I was exhausted!  We ate food and played around until the sun went down. Then Phil and Uncle Steve lit off fireworks while we Ooo-ed and Ahhh-ed.  I laid on a blanket with my nieces for most of the show. It was lovely to play and cuddle with those fun girls. We also did our laundry through the evening, since our laundry room is still torn up.

Saturday: We relaxed for most of the day, but by the evening I was feeling restless.  So I texted some friends to see who was free to hang out and then went for a walk with the dogs.  Some Joplin friends drove down and we had Taco Mayo with them.  It was delicious and good fun.  We also got to play Munchkin with them. If you haven’t played it, you probably should...it’s fun.

Sunday: Some friends who couldn’t come on Saturday (or who didn’t get the message until late) invited us to a cheap Matinee showing of “Man of Steel” so we drove over for that. It was a decent movie...entertaining enough.  And then we had chinese food afterward since Sam had been craving sushi all week.  

And today we’re back to work.  The other highlights of the week are: I learned that I actually can run!  I decided to take some friends’ advice and slow it down to where I could talk while running.  On my first run since maybe March or April, I ran 1 mile with only a 1-block walk break....and this was after a nearly 4-mile walk with some running in there too (the dogs couldn’t keep up with me!).  I was pretty happy with myself.  The next time I tried it, I went a little farther (1.5 miles) and just took Huckleberry with me. He’s more in shape than Ralph.  Then I went back and got Ralph for another 1.5-2 miles of walking with a little running.  It felt great!

Anyway, I hope your week was exciting too (but maybe less expensive, and with fewer insect bites).  I hope you got to see lots of friends and family, I hope you felt like you accomplished something impressive, and I hope you had some time to relax and rest.  

Fireflies

We made it through Mother’s Day.  It was better than I expected. I think having more than 6 month’s distance between now and my mother’s passing was helpful for that.  Also the anticipation of the next weekend was incredibly helpful.  I had accidentally found out that Sam was surprising me with a trip to KC for my birthday.  As a cover, he had suggested we go to Tulsa on Friday.  I got really excited about our Tulsa trip. I knew it was just for one night, so I started thinking about what we could do that would be fun and relaxing for Sam as his break between classes.  A few days later, I asked if I could plan our trip and book our hotel room.  He said no.  What?!  I was sure this was because of one night in KC where we were just looking for a cheap hotel to crash in for the night. I found one on Priceline and it was.... gross.  And scary.  

“Do you not trust me?  Is this because of that hotel in KC?”

He just sat there, eating his Taco Mayo and trying not to say something.  I assumed he was trying not to tell me he didn’t trust me.  It started out as joke, but I actually started getting mad.  He just kept shaking his head and not saying anything.  I kept pressing the issue.  After a while he finally let it spill.

“You can’t get our hotel room in Tulsa because I already got us one... in Kansas City...for your birthday.”  

He always tries to surprise me, but hates waiting, so he always tells me the secret or gives me the present early.  This time I ruined it. I felt awful, but also so excited!  A weekend in Kansas City with Sam was exactly what I needed.  And we had so much fun.  We got a good hotel room with air conditioning and cable (the two most important things in a hotel room) and we spent a good portion of our time just resting and relaxing.  We did a little shopping, went to the City Market (the coolest, giant farmers market I’ve ever been to), saw a movie, and ate good food.  It was so much fun.

And then the next semester started.  It didn’t seem too bad at first.  It was a lot of work, but Sam had some friends coming to hang out for the weekend, so he got it all done quickly.  He spent the weekend hanging out and playing games. I spent the weekend at dad’s house, making cakes for a friend’s wedding and hanging out with family.  By the time I got back, it was almost June.

June has been a fairly steady decline.  Sam’s current class is a 6-week class, with just as much work as a full-semester class. In the middle of studying for tests and cranking out multiple homeworks per week, Father’s Day snuck up on the both of us.  Neither of us expected it to be hard, but it was.  A few days before that Sunday, I’d gone to the store to buy cards for our dads.  Mixed in among the cards for fathers were a few cards for “fathers-to-be”.  I almost started crying in Walmart.  I wanted so badly to buy one of those cards for Sam.  I quickly picked out cards for dad and Phil and managed to leave without tears streaming down my face.  It hit Sam hard, too.  It always makes it both easier and harder for me to deal with all of this knowing that Sam also wants a baby--easier because I feel less alone in this and less like I’m going crazy, and harder because I hate to see him Sad and defeated.  And from that emotional weekend, we rolled into a week where Sam had 5 assignments due in one week, and this week, where he had a test yesterday and a final on Thursday.  He has done homework for around 8 hours a day for the past two weeks, just taking time to do his job at work and time to eat meals with me.  I’ve been working to make sure he doesn’t have to do anything else on top of all of that.  We are both exhausted and drained.  

I went for a walk on Sunday night, on a particularly difficult and draining day.  I didn’t get out until the sun was setting, which made for a very nice, not overly hot walk.  On our way back, it was getting dark.  A spark of light caught my eye.  It flashed again a few seconds later.  Fireflies.  They are one of my favorite things about living here.  I smiled.  It lit up again.  

I love how even on the dark days (or weeks, or years), there are small flashes of light.

Mother's Day

It is Spring again.  Spring in SEK (SouthEast Kansas, is not for the faint of heart.  Stunning, clear-skied days with the sounds of bird songs and children laughing floating in the air (along with quite a bit of various pollens, of course) are followed by days of pouring rain and chilling wind.  In Denver, Spring was just like Winter, except it brought wetter, heavier snow.  Spring in SEK is an actual season.  Flowers bloom, grass grows, gardens are planted--just like the Springs you’ve read about in books.  It is also torture.  Unlike most of the people here, I don’t dislike cold weather. I love snow and cloudy, cold days.  They make me want to listen to sad folk music and pretend I’m artistic. I like hoodies and sweaters and blankets.  However, I will admit that my heart is jolted each time I have to experience perfect, sunshiny weather (I say “perfect” because the temps stay below 80 degrees) one day and then freeze the next.  I suppose it is for the best, then, that the cold days seem to be over.  However, the warm, muggy days are here to stay.

I think I say something in each post about how it has been so long since I wrote last.  Ugh...some day I will remember to write consistently.  I think part of my problem is I don’t always know how much actual personal information to share on here.  I always try to keep it to “here’s what I’ve been doing” and “here’s a recipe” instead of real, important things in my life.  I don’t know if that’s good or bad.  I don’t know how many people read this and actually care about what’s going on anyway. Lately, the real, important stuff is becoming more and more of what I’ve been doing, which is probably partially why I haven’t written.  

Mother’s Day is quickly approaching.  For most, this is a day of celebration, hugs and kisses, cards and flowers. People return to their parents’ homes to share Sunday lunch with their moms and try their hardest to make her feel special. My mom was always fairly easy-going when it came to Mother’s Day.  I think this was mostly because her mom was anything but easy-going.  For my Nana Beth (that’s what we were supposed to call her, not Grandma), it was a day entirely revolving around her.  She would often make lists of acceptable gifts for my mom and her siblings to give her for Mother’s day, her birthday, or Christmas.  I think Mom got so tired of this attitude (that, and she married into Dad’s family, which barely celebrates any special day), so we celebrated birthdays, Christmas, and nothing else.  Looking back, I wish I’d celebrated mom more.  I wish I’d taken more opportunities to tell her what an amazing mom she was.  But, I’m sure that kind of regret is not one worth hanging on to for long.  

Mom and I, 2010

Combine that history with Mother’s Day with the fact that my mom passed away in November, 2011, and you have a decent combination for not really enjoying the day very much.  Now, add in the fact that I’m not a mom, despite our efforts to make that happen.  For the past two years, this has been our “real, important stuff”.  We decided we were ready to start trying for kids in May 2011.  That would allow us to be married for over a year before our first kid was born.  We waited until we were “older” to get married, so we wanted to get an early start on kids and not be the 60-year-olds who dropped their kids off at college (not that there’s anything wrong with that--we just prefered to be younger).  As my mom got more and more sick, I wanted more and more to get pregnant. I wanted so badly to be able to tell my mom the good news before she passed.  Mom kept telling me not to worry about it, and that it would happen eventually and that we’d be great parents.  A year and half after she passed, I’m still trying not to worry about it.  I still do a terrible job of that. We are dealing with doctors that have narrowed down at least most of the issues.  We are just waiting for medicine to kick in and for our bodies to start working properly.  But with every month that comes and goes without a positive pregnancy test, I get a little more worn down, a little more emotionally ragged, and a little more sensitive.  If you’re wondering why I’m not on Facebook anymore, this is why.  It got to the point where every time I would find out I wasn’t pregnant, I’d get on Facebook and one of my friends would post that they were pregnant, or post baby-belly pictures, or post a picture of their baby that was born yesterday.  I just couldn’t handle that sort of slap in the face, even though it was unintentional.

We are both trying to hold out hope that we will be parents.  We are trying to take advantage of the time we have now (sleeping in on Saturdays, running away together last minute when we get the chance, not having to deal with babysitters, getting to spend time alone whenever we want, getting to save money for later, watching movies made for people over the age of 8, etc.), but still longing and hoping for our family to expand.  The waiting is a lot like spring in SEK. Some days are sunny and beautiful and I’m happy with life.  Some days are cold and rainy--slightly painful and jarring.  Overall, I still like my life.  I’m still fairly solid on the fact that God has a great life planned out for us.  As deeply as I desire children, I know that He will satisfy that desire.  His timing is perfect.  It doesn’t make it any easier.  It doesn’t make it hurt less or be less emotionally exhausting, but it is perfect.  I’m still sure of that.  

On Sunday, or any other day, make sure you tell your mom you love her.  You always expect her to be around for ever, but you never know when she’ll be gone.  Don’t miss out on your chances to make her feel special like I did.  Also, be kind to the women around you.  Don’t assume that she doesn’t have kids because she doesn’t want them.  If she mentions struggling to have kids, talk to her about it.  Listen and let her be open with you.  It is a deep and painful thing to have trouble getting pregnant.  It is harder when you go at it alone.