Just over two months have gone by since I last wrote. November and December seemed to crawl by. I think that’s one thing that heartbreak does to people. I felt like I was stuck in mud, like I would never again be truly happy. Thinking back on those two months, my memory is foggy and sluggish. My last post was about waiting for my Messiah to come, knowing he would. I’m not sure how I had as much faith as I did during those two months. God has proven himself to me before, and this was the biggest test of our relationship by far, but somehow I knew he would pull through.
Not long ago, our youth group was discussing Job and how he handled losing everything he cared about. We asked the kids about how they would handle losing everything. Most of them felt they would be okay, that losing their families, their homes, their livelihood (they’re in high school....they don’t have to worry too much about that part) wouldn’t change their faith or their outlook. Even some of the leaders said things like this. I couldn’t say anything. I was on the edge of crying through the whole discussion. I lost one person in my family and it shook me hard! I know God is loving. I know he has the best in mind for us. But that he would take my mom away from us when she was so sure he would heal her was difficult to grasp. I could explain it away saying “She was in so much pain, and so broken by cancer, taking her home was the most loving thing to do.” And maybe that’s true. But why didn’t he stop it before it got to that point? She was completely convinced that cancer wouldn’t kill her, but it did. I don’t know why she had to die. I could go crazy asking myself why every day. I suppose it boils down to the fact that being free from pain, disease, brokenness, and everything that isn’t the absolute *best* is the most loving thing. God wants what’s best for us, and in the end, what’s best is for us to not be here anymore. It hurts, but its true.
So, November and December were pretty awful. Toward the end of December, I felt less sad. I wasn’t crying every day. I could hear someone say the word “mom” without losing it. I still felt horribly sluggish. I couldn’t get enough sleep (even getting 10-12 hours of sleep wasn’t enough!). I assumed it was still just grief. I think it was at least partly that, but there was something deeper making me exhausted. I decided to go to the doctor and test my thyroid and see if that was the problem. My thyroid tested normal. So I got my hormones checked. They were normal. My doctor suggested insulin resistance might be an issue, so I got that tested, and she was right. She started me on some medicine and I instantly felt better. I fall asleep easier and more quickly, wake up easier and in a better mood, and have energy throughout the day. I have lost about 5 lbs so far, I think, but I’ve been working out a lot too, so I’ve lost more fat and gained muscle.
I love not feeling exhausted and unhappy all the time. I think it has helped my grief also. I feel so much better about life in the last 5 weeks it is hard not to be happy and hopeful. I still miss mom a lot. I still feel like crying when I think about how much she’s going to miss in our lives and how much I miss hanging out with her and talking to her. I even teared up typing that last sentence. But mom was so full of life, laughter, and happiness, I can’t help but think that this is how she would want things. After her mom died, mom talked about how she was sure Nana was still around. There’s a verse in the Bible that says we are surrounded by “so great a cloud of witnesses” and mom was sure Nana was in that cloud. I feel like mom is a part of it too, and that makes me happy to feel happy right now.
Anyway, I haven’t been doing a lot of cooking/baking lately. We finally decided to get a new oven! We bought it, installed it, and the electronics in that oven blew! Luckily, we bought it at Sears, so they repaired it. It’s beautiful! I baked in it for the first time last night. So, hopefully soon I’ll post some of the new foods I’ll be able to make. For now, you’ll have to settle for a picture of my new oven:
The other thing I’ve been doing lately, since I haven’t been baking and cooking as much, has been knitting. My cousin and his wife are expecting their first baby, Atticus, in the next two weeks or so. His nursery is navy blue, light blue, grey, and white with an elephant theme. So, I decided to knit him a baby blanket. It took me quite a while, but I just finished it this afternoon. Here’s the finished product:
I am pretty proud of how it turned out. I hope he’ll use it for a long time and totally wear it out. I’m glad he’s going to be a part of our family. I can’t wait to meet him and get to know him as he grows up.
Well, I guess that’s all for now. My husband is taking me out for dinner tonight. This is our second Valentines day together, and my second as a non-single, non-Valentines hating woman. It is fun to have someone to be cheesy in love with. I hope you guys have a good evening celebrating love in whatever form you decide.