Thursday, May 9, 2013

Mother's Day

It is Spring again.  Spring in SEK (SouthEast Kansas, is not for the faint of heart.  Stunning, clear-skied days with the sounds of bird songs and children laughing floating in the air (along with quite a bit of various pollens, of course) are followed by days of pouring rain and chilling wind.  In Denver, Spring was just like Winter, except it brought wetter, heavier snow.  Spring in SEK is an actual season.  Flowers bloom, grass grows, gardens are planted--just like the Springs you’ve read about in books.  It is also torture.  Unlike most of the people here, I don’t dislike cold weather. I love snow and cloudy, cold days.  They make me want to listen to sad folk music and pretend I’m artistic. I like hoodies and sweaters and blankets.  However, I will admit that my heart is jolted each time I have to experience perfect, sunshiny weather (I say “perfect” because the temps stay below 80 degrees) one day and then freeze the next.  I suppose it is for the best, then, that the cold days seem to be over.  However, the warm, muggy days are here to stay.

I think I say something in each post about how it has been so long since I wrote last.  Ugh...some day I will remember to write consistently.  I think part of my problem is I don’t always know how much actual personal information to share on here.  I always try to keep it to “here’s what I’ve been doing” and “here’s a recipe” instead of real, important things in my life.  I don’t know if that’s good or bad.  I don’t know how many people read this and actually care about what’s going on anyway. Lately, the real, important stuff is becoming more and more of what I’ve been doing, which is probably partially why I haven’t written.  

Mother’s Day is quickly approaching.  For most, this is a day of celebration, hugs and kisses, cards and flowers. People return to their parents’ homes to share Sunday lunch with their moms and try their hardest to make her feel special. My mom was always fairly easy-going when it came to Mother’s Day.  I think this was mostly because her mom was anything but easy-going.  For my Nana Beth (that’s what we were supposed to call her, not Grandma), it was a day entirely revolving around her.  She would often make lists of acceptable gifts for my mom and her siblings to give her for Mother’s day, her birthday, or Christmas.  I think Mom got so tired of this attitude (that, and she married into Dad’s family, which barely celebrates any special day), so we celebrated birthdays, Christmas, and nothing else.  Looking back, I wish I’d celebrated mom more.  I wish I’d taken more opportunities to tell her what an amazing mom she was.  But, I’m sure that kind of regret is not one worth hanging on to for long.  

Mom and I, 2010
Combine that history with Mother’s Day with the fact that my mom passed away in November, 2011, and you have a decent combination for not really enjoying the day very much.  Now, add in the fact that I’m not a mom, despite our efforts to make that happen.  For the past two years, this has been our “real, important stuff”.  We decided we were ready to start trying for kids in May 2011.  That would allow us to be married for over a year before our first kid was born.  We waited until we were “older” to get married, so we wanted to get an early start on kids and not be the 60-year-olds who dropped their kids off at college (not that there’s anything wrong with that--we just prefered to be younger).  As my mom got more and more sick, I wanted more and more to get pregnant. I wanted so badly to be able to tell my mom the good news before she passed.  Mom kept telling me not to worry about it, and that it would happen eventually and that we’d be great parents.  A year and half after she passed, I’m still trying not to worry about it.  I still do a terrible job of that. We are dealing with doctors that have narrowed down at least most of the issues.  We are just waiting for medicine to kick in and for our bodies to start working properly.  But with every month that comes and goes without a positive pregnancy test, I get a little more worn down, a little more emotionally ragged, and a little more sensitive.  If you’re wondering why I’m not on Facebook anymore, this is why.  It got to the point where every time I would find out I wasn’t pregnant, I’d get on Facebook and one of my friends would post that they were pregnant, or post baby-belly pictures, or post a picture of their baby that was born yesterday.  I just couldn’t handle that sort of slap in the face, even though it was unintentional.

We are both trying to hold out hope that we will be parents.  We are trying to take advantage of the time we have now (sleeping in on Saturdays, running away together last minute when we get the chance, not having to deal with babysitters, getting to spend time alone whenever we want, getting to save money for later, watching movies made for people over the age of 8, etc.), but still longing and hoping for our family to expand.  The waiting is a lot like spring in SEK. Some days are sunny and beautiful and I’m happy with life.  Some days are cold and rainy--slightly painful and jarring.  Overall, I still like my life.  I’m still fairly solid on the fact that God has a great life planned out for us.  As deeply as I desire children, I know that He will satisfy that desire.  His timing is perfect.  It doesn’t make it any easier.  It doesn’t make it hurt less or be less emotionally exhausting, but it is perfect.  I’m still sure of that.  

On Sunday, or any other day, make sure you tell your mom you love her.  You always expect her to be around for ever, but you never know when she’ll be gone.  Don’t miss out on your chances to make her feel special like I did.  Also, be kind to the women around you.  Don’t assume that she doesn’t have kids because she doesn’t want them.  If she mentions struggling to have kids, talk to her about it.  Listen and let her be open with you.  It is a deep and painful thing to have trouble getting pregnant.  It is harder when you go at it alone.