New Years Resolutions

I normally don't like this time of year. I don't like the pressure of starting new habits or diets or practices all while recovering from the exhaustion and the food comas of Christmas. 

This year, I feel differently. Sam asked me what my theme would be this year. I have decided this year will be the start of living the life I want to lead. We talk about growing a really good garden, going on adventures, eating well, and losing weight, but we barely do any of it. Whenever I put in the extra effort to make something happen, I thank myself for it later. 

Maybe that's a side effect of waiting so long to get married. We lived a long time in the "Well, when I get married... *then* I'll do (or be) __________". And we got especially comfortable in that mentality because we had "When my mom isn't dying...." or "When we are past this first year of marriage...."  And then we moved on to "When we have kids...."  But now that Sam is in his thirties, and I'm almost thirty myself, we realize we can't keep saying that forever. Eventually it will be "I can't get around without a wheelchair or a lot of pain...."  So, now is the time. We need to live our life. We can't assume it will be better or easier around the next corner. 

Giving Pain Significance

It is just about 2:00 am. I can't sleep. After dealing with multiple friends and family members who are pregnant, I find myself wondering—

Why does pregnancy always trump lack of pregnancy?

Why is it that my sadness and pain is never as valid as someone else's happiness?  As soon as someone tells me they are pregnant, I am required to tell them how happy I am for them and congratulate them. It doesn't matter how terrible of a day I've had. It doesn't matter if I just, once again, found out I'm not pregnant. It doesn't matter how many other friends have told me today that they're pregnant. It doesn't matter how emotionally raw I already am. I am compelled to tell this person that I am happy for them.

Am I happy?  No. I am holding back tears. I am angry. I feel hurt and hopeless and destroyed. But, because that doesn't matter, I congratulate them.

I'm starting to wonder if I have been doing this all wrong. I think I may have to start giving my pain it's due significance. I need to start putting my family (even without kids) ahead of someone else's family. If I don't, I think I may go crazy.

Summer Evenings

Driving on a country road, Ralph sitting comfortably at my side and Huckleberry letting the wind from the open window blow up his nose until he sneezes, I am content and free. Folk music mixes with smells of grass, cows, and hot, humid air. I am singing along to the words and melodies. Fireflies are dancing in the ditches, flashing their lights here and there and filling me with child-like awe and excitement. I love fireflies. I love summer evenings. 

The First Few Steps Forward

Well, we finally gave up and gave in to the fact that we won't have a baby that genetically belongs to both of us unless we both lose weight. We have both put some effort into this in the past and have been somewhat successful. We have both noticed that we lose weight the fastest and most continually if we cut out sugar and starches. So, we have given up the things we love the most and have filled our fridge with fruits and veggies. We have been doing this for about 3 weeks now and have collectively lost somewhere around 20lbs. We have both done things to remind ourselves of our future children. When it gets really tough to skip the ice cream or the brownie, we remind each other of our reasons for doing this. We almost wrote their names on our fridge. I may do that later if it gets more difficult. 

If any of you are trying to eat more healthy, real food, I would suggest a couple of things:

1) thefoodee.com. This is a website that compiles recipes from a ton of paleo and whole30 websites. We don't always follow the recipes exactly because we aren't cutting out dairy, but the recipes have generally been really tasty!  The other thing that's great is that you "save" recipes and it compiles your shopping list for you!  It's so handy!

2) Be prepared to spend a lot of time in the kitchen. Making everything from scratch is delicious and fulfilling, but it also takes some time and effort. 

3) cauliflower rice. We like rice and eat a lot of it, or at least we used to. Try chopping a head of cauliflower in your food processor (a few large florets at a time) and dump into an oiled cookie sheet, spread around to coat with oil. Then bake in a 400 degree oven for 15ish minutes until browned. It is good to mix it up and spread it around again somewhere in the middle. This is delicious and has made several of our meals more satisfying. 

Anyway, this will take us a while, but I'm so excited for our future, our children, our energy and ability levels increasing. 

Ups and Downs

I'm not sure I've posted about Katy Days before.  Parsons was built around the Railroad and thrived on Railroad money until the end of the Railroad era.  Parsons still loves its trains and its history.  Every Memorial Weekend, we celebrate the MKT (Katy) Railroad and everything that once made Parsons more populated than Kansas City.  They have the old guys who used to work for MKT come in and demonstrate how they laid the tracks.  They're called Gandy Dancers.  It is pretty crazy to watch these 70+ year old men throwing sledge hammers around like they're nothing, pounding huge spikes into the ground.  They have music, crafts, a petting zoo, Miss Katy Days pageant, and all the carnival food you could ever want (complete with roasted turkey legs and homemade root beer).  They also do something called the "Spike it Rich" Medallion hunt.  They hide a medallion somewhere in city limits on public property and then post clues and see who finds it first.  The winner gets $500.  So, Sam and I decided to go look for it last night.  The clues are pretty rough, but we thought we had it narrowed down pretty well.  After we looked at today's clue, I was pretty sure I knew where it was.  I told a co-worker about it so we decided to go look this afternoon.  We were right!  We were at the right park...just about 30 minutes or an hour too late!  Someone else found it right before us.  I'm disappointed we missed out on $500, but I'm pretty proud of us for figuring it out, even with the poorly-written clues.  Sam asked me if I was proud of myself for doing something traditionally "Parsons" (judging by the other people we saw wandering around looking for the medallion, he does not mean this as a compliment).  I did have a good time.  I felt very southern.

                                                                                                               

SEK is pretty humid and warm lately.  It has actually been pretty "dry" this year as far as rainfall goes, but it has been pretty muggy and humid.  I really dislike the humidity, but I have recently discovered something I really do enjoy about humidity.  I love going for a walk and hearing the birds singing and chirping in the trees and hearing those muffled echos you only hear on really humid days or in climate controlled botanical gardens.  For some reason that sound feels both familiar and special.  It makes me happy, even as the sweat drips down my back and my hair grows exponentially larger.

                                                                                                                 

We had a rough Mother's Day.  I almost thought I was pregnant.  I let myself hope even though I knew I shouldn't.  It was even more rough because for some reason, no matter what I said, someone asked me if the reason I said/did ___________ was because I was pregnant.  This week one of our friends told us they were pregnant.  I am happy for them. I really am.  They will be great parents and they are excited.  But no matter who it is, or how happy I am for them, I always hurt deeply for Sam and I every time I hear someone is pregnant.  I long for the day I get to tell Sam that he's going to be a dad.  I want to be happy when someone asks me if I'm pregnant...I want to grin and be able to say yes.  It is hard to wait for that. It is hard to have patience and to remember that there is still time--that it would be difficult to deal with the stress of pregnancy or a new baby when we are still dealing with the stress of a graduate degree.  

I will probably still allow myself to be hopeful sometimes. I think without hope I would go crazy from the waiting.  

Sorry for the random post...sorry for ending on a downer of a thought.  But that's what life is like--full of ups and downs, silliness and heartache--and you just have to go with it and take it as it comes.

Sometimes...

I was driving to church this morning and the breeze smelled like new life. It smelled like fresh cut grass and sunshine. It smelled like blooming flowers. 

I want a baby. Sometimes it hits me out of nowhere. Sometimes it makes it hard to breathe. Sometimes it is far enough below the surface that I can pretend it isn't there, but not today. Today I feel it, deeply and intensely. 

Spring

This is one of my favorite things about living in the south: seasons. I love that winter doesn't last until the end of May when it suddenly switches to a hot, dry summer that lasts until the end of August when it starts snowing out of nowhere. Here, we get blue skied days where the sun heats up what the breeze is cooling off. We get daffodils and lilies pushing their way through dirt toward sunshine. 

We went camping last night. Well, Sam slept outside. Between the cold, hard ground and my back still recovering from the latest "episode", I have up and slept at the in-laws'. But, we pitched our tent, cooked outside, and stayed up talking after the sun went down. 

We woke up to a beautiful day. Now we are sitting inside a quiet house, listening to the birds chirping and the breeze blowing. *Insert sigh of contentment here*