The Fourth of July

I hope you all had a fantastic Fourth.  Last week could not have come at a better time in our house.  Sam worked so hard, finishing assignments, studying for, and taking, a test and a final.  He was spent.  I was spent. I don’t know how many emotional breakdowns we had that week. You know it’s bad when you can’t even count the breakdowns.  But we survived.  He took his final on Thursday... and passed.  We celebrated by renting out the pool and inviting our friends and family to swim and eat homemade ice cream with us. It was the perfect celebration for a very impressive accomplishment: survival.  

The Community College where Sam and I work was closed all last week, so when we left work Thursday, we started on our 10-day weekend.  It was absolutely perfect timing--coming off of the most stressful week either of us could remember and straight into 10 days of paid vacation.  We had plenty to do that week, since the Fourth of July is a major holiday here.  And life threw a few curve balls into the mix also.  Here are the highlights from the last 10 days:

Friday: I went on a nice, hot, 7 mile bike ride in the afternoon.  And then we went to the pool for the party!  We swam and talked and laughed and ate ice cream!  We brought vanilla and coconut (vegan) ice cream and Phil and Julie (Sam’s parents) make a chocolate ice cream that tastes like a Wendy’s Frosty. It was tasty.  Everyone who came brought a topping. We had some tasty sundaes!

Saturday: We left in the afternoon to drive to Joplin for our friends’ wedding and to do a little shopping and have dinner before the wedding started.  We made it about 10 miles outside of town and then our car broke down (*again*).  No tow trucks were around the area, so we had to call our very, very kind friends to come pick us up with their car trailer.  They brought us ice cold bottles of water since we’d been sitting on the side of the road in the sun. They’re so nice!  After a new fuel pump purchased and installed on Monday, the car is back to running again!

Tuesday: Sam was playing games at a friend’s house and I was getting some things done around the house.  I weeded the front flower bed, watered it and had just started to mulch it when I leaned on the one of the rails at the front of the house and felt a sharp stabbing pain on the tip of my first finger.  I pulled my hand back quickly and saw a black spider crawling on my hand.  I shook it off and ran inside. It hurt *so* badly.  I washed it under cold water and it just kept burning.  I put some ice on it and then called Sam to see what I should do (since he took the computer with him).  He came and got me and we tried to find a non-ER doctor to look at it, but no one could.  So I went with Sam to the friend’s house in case I started feeling sick or having an allergic reaction.  But nothing happened other than stabbing, burning pain every time I took my finger off of ice.  So, it must not have been too serious.  The pain calmed down (still hurt, but not so bad I couldn’t think) in the afternoon, so I did some more work around the house. There is still a red dot where I was bitten and it still has that same burning pain if I push on it (which has only happened on accident), so I leave it alone and all is fine. But it was definitely exciting!

Wednesday: Bridesmaid dress shopping with my Aunt, Cousin, and Cousin-In-Law for my other Cousin’s wedding.  We went to the mall afterward and bought $5 Old Navy t-shirts.  My Aunt bought us frozen custard on the way home for my birthday (1.5 months late, but it’s the thought that counts, right?)  Then... Altamont Fireworks!  We went back to the pool for a pool party with our friends.  After the party we had some snacks and watched the city fireworks.  The water was cold that night so I’m pretty sure no one watched from the water, but it was still fun.

Thursday: We woke up to a puddle of water in our laundry room.  The fun part is that in the laundry room we have several possible water sources, so we had to spend quite a while pulling things out, drying the floor, watching where new water appeared, etc.  We finally decided it was our semi-scary water heater (possibly about 15 years old).  We then tried to figure out how to drain it, which we did, but happened really slowly.  We left it to drain in the afternoon and went to my Aunt and Uncle’s for dinner before the Parson’s fireworks.  The nieces and nephews were all super crazy in the evening, so my cousin and I took them to the park to run around.  Sam and I priced hot water heaters using the internet on our phones while we waited for the fireworks to start.  They finally started and the show was great!

Friday: I decided to ride my bike down to Phil and Julie’s house for their fireworks party.  I got everything ready for Sam so he could just load it all and leave.  I left at around 4:20pm and rode into a headwind the entire way down.  It took me over 2 hours and I made it within 3 miles of their house (I rode 22 miles!) before I called Sam to come pick me up.  It was fun, but I was exhausted!  We ate food and played around until the sun went down. Then Phil and Uncle Steve lit off fireworks while we Ooo-ed and Ahhh-ed.  I laid on a blanket with my nieces for most of the show. It was lovely to play and cuddle with those fun girls. We also did our laundry through the evening, since our laundry room is still torn up.

Saturday: We relaxed for most of the day, but by the evening I was feeling restless.  So I texted some friends to see who was free to hang out and then went for a walk with the dogs.  Some Joplin friends drove down and we had Taco Mayo with them.  It was delicious and good fun.  We also got to play Munchkin with them. If you haven’t played it, you probably should...it’s fun.

Sunday: Some friends who couldn’t come on Saturday (or who didn’t get the message until late) invited us to a cheap Matinee showing of “Man of Steel” so we drove over for that. It was a decent movie...entertaining enough.  And then we had chinese food afterward since Sam had been craving sushi all week.  

And today we’re back to work.  The other highlights of the week are: I learned that I actually can run!  I decided to take some friends’ advice and slow it down to where I could talk while running.  On my first run since maybe March or April, I ran 1 mile with only a 1-block walk break....and this was after a nearly 4-mile walk with some running in there too (the dogs couldn’t keep up with me!).  I was pretty happy with myself.  The next time I tried it, I went a little farther (1.5 miles) and just took Huckleberry with me. He’s more in shape than Ralph.  Then I went back and got Ralph for another 1.5-2 miles of walking with a little running.  It felt great!

Anyway, I hope your week was exciting too (but maybe less expensive, and with fewer insect bites).  I hope you got to see lots of friends and family, I hope you felt like you accomplished something impressive, and I hope you had some time to relax and rest.  

Fireflies

We made it through Mother’s Day.  It was better than I expected. I think having more than 6 month’s distance between now and my mother’s passing was helpful for that.  Also the anticipation of the next weekend was incredibly helpful.  I had accidentally found out that Sam was surprising me with a trip to KC for my birthday.  As a cover, he had suggested we go to Tulsa on Friday.  I got really excited about our Tulsa trip. I knew it was just for one night, so I started thinking about what we could do that would be fun and relaxing for Sam as his break between classes.  A few days later, I asked if I could plan our trip and book our hotel room.  He said no.  What?!  I was sure this was because of one night in KC where we were just looking for a cheap hotel to crash in for the night. I found one on Priceline and it was.... gross.  And scary.  

“Do you not trust me?  Is this because of that hotel in KC?”

He just sat there, eating his Taco Mayo and trying not to say something.  I assumed he was trying not to tell me he didn’t trust me.  It started out as joke, but I actually started getting mad.  He just kept shaking his head and not saying anything.  I kept pressing the issue.  After a while he finally let it spill.

“You can’t get our hotel room in Tulsa because I already got us one... in Kansas City...for your birthday.”  

He always tries to surprise me, but hates waiting, so he always tells me the secret or gives me the present early.  This time I ruined it. I felt awful, but also so excited!  A weekend in Kansas City with Sam was exactly what I needed.  And we had so much fun.  We got a good hotel room with air conditioning and cable (the two most important things in a hotel room) and we spent a good portion of our time just resting and relaxing.  We did a little shopping, went to the City Market (the coolest, giant farmers market I’ve ever been to), saw a movie, and ate good food.  It was so much fun.

And then the next semester started.  It didn’t seem too bad at first.  It was a lot of work, but Sam had some friends coming to hang out for the weekend, so he got it all done quickly.  He spent the weekend hanging out and playing games. I spent the weekend at dad’s house, making cakes for a friend’s wedding and hanging out with family.  By the time I got back, it was almost June.

June has been a fairly steady decline.  Sam’s current class is a 6-week class, with just as much work as a full-semester class. In the middle of studying for tests and cranking out multiple homeworks per week, Father’s Day snuck up on the both of us.  Neither of us expected it to be hard, but it was.  A few days before that Sunday, I’d gone to the store to buy cards for our dads.  Mixed in among the cards for fathers were a few cards for “fathers-to-be”.  I almost started crying in Walmart.  I wanted so badly to buy one of those cards for Sam.  I quickly picked out cards for dad and Phil and managed to leave without tears streaming down my face.  It hit Sam hard, too.  It always makes it both easier and harder for me to deal with all of this knowing that Sam also wants a baby--easier because I feel less alone in this and less like I’m going crazy, and harder because I hate to see him Sad and defeated.  And from that emotional weekend, we rolled into a week where Sam had 5 assignments due in one week, and this week, where he had a test yesterday and a final on Thursday.  He has done homework for around 8 hours a day for the past two weeks, just taking time to do his job at work and time to eat meals with me.  I’ve been working to make sure he doesn’t have to do anything else on top of all of that.  We are both exhausted and drained.  

I went for a walk on Sunday night, on a particularly difficult and draining day.  I didn’t get out until the sun was setting, which made for a very nice, not overly hot walk.  On our way back, it was getting dark.  A spark of light caught my eye.  It flashed again a few seconds later.  Fireflies.  They are one of my favorite things about living here.  I smiled.  It lit up again.  

I love how even on the dark days (or weeks, or years), there are small flashes of light.

Mother's Day

It is Spring again.  Spring in SEK (SouthEast Kansas, is not for the faint of heart.  Stunning, clear-skied days with the sounds of bird songs and children laughing floating in the air (along with quite a bit of various pollens, of course) are followed by days of pouring rain and chilling wind.  In Denver, Spring was just like Winter, except it brought wetter, heavier snow.  Spring in SEK is an actual season.  Flowers bloom, grass grows, gardens are planted--just like the Springs you’ve read about in books.  It is also torture.  Unlike most of the people here, I don’t dislike cold weather. I love snow and cloudy, cold days.  They make me want to listen to sad folk music and pretend I’m artistic. I like hoodies and sweaters and blankets.  However, I will admit that my heart is jolted each time I have to experience perfect, sunshiny weather (I say “perfect” because the temps stay below 80 degrees) one day and then freeze the next.  I suppose it is for the best, then, that the cold days seem to be over.  However, the warm, muggy days are here to stay.

I think I say something in each post about how it has been so long since I wrote last.  Ugh...some day I will remember to write consistently.  I think part of my problem is I don’t always know how much actual personal information to share on here.  I always try to keep it to “here’s what I’ve been doing” and “here’s a recipe” instead of real, important things in my life.  I don’t know if that’s good or bad.  I don’t know how many people read this and actually care about what’s going on anyway. Lately, the real, important stuff is becoming more and more of what I’ve been doing, which is probably partially why I haven’t written.  

Mother’s Day is quickly approaching.  For most, this is a day of celebration, hugs and kisses, cards and flowers. People return to their parents’ homes to share Sunday lunch with their moms and try their hardest to make her feel special. My mom was always fairly easy-going when it came to Mother’s Day.  I think this was mostly because her mom was anything but easy-going.  For my Nana Beth (that’s what we were supposed to call her, not Grandma), it was a day entirely revolving around her.  She would often make lists of acceptable gifts for my mom and her siblings to give her for Mother’s day, her birthday, or Christmas.  I think Mom got so tired of this attitude (that, and she married into Dad’s family, which barely celebrates any special day), so we celebrated birthdays, Christmas, and nothing else.  Looking back, I wish I’d celebrated mom more.  I wish I’d taken more opportunities to tell her what an amazing mom she was.  But, I’m sure that kind of regret is not one worth hanging on to for long.  

Mom and I, 2010

Combine that history with Mother’s Day with the fact that my mom passed away in November, 2011, and you have a decent combination for not really enjoying the day very much.  Now, add in the fact that I’m not a mom, despite our efforts to make that happen.  For the past two years, this has been our “real, important stuff”.  We decided we were ready to start trying for kids in May 2011.  That would allow us to be married for over a year before our first kid was born.  We waited until we were “older” to get married, so we wanted to get an early start on kids and not be the 60-year-olds who dropped their kids off at college (not that there’s anything wrong with that--we just prefered to be younger).  As my mom got more and more sick, I wanted more and more to get pregnant. I wanted so badly to be able to tell my mom the good news before she passed.  Mom kept telling me not to worry about it, and that it would happen eventually and that we’d be great parents.  A year and half after she passed, I’m still trying not to worry about it.  I still do a terrible job of that. We are dealing with doctors that have narrowed down at least most of the issues.  We are just waiting for medicine to kick in and for our bodies to start working properly.  But with every month that comes and goes without a positive pregnancy test, I get a little more worn down, a little more emotionally ragged, and a little more sensitive.  If you’re wondering why I’m not on Facebook anymore, this is why.  It got to the point where every time I would find out I wasn’t pregnant, I’d get on Facebook and one of my friends would post that they were pregnant, or post baby-belly pictures, or post a picture of their baby that was born yesterday.  I just couldn’t handle that sort of slap in the face, even though it was unintentional.

We are both trying to hold out hope that we will be parents.  We are trying to take advantage of the time we have now (sleeping in on Saturdays, running away together last minute when we get the chance, not having to deal with babysitters, getting to spend time alone whenever we want, getting to save money for later, watching movies made for people over the age of 8, etc.), but still longing and hoping for our family to expand.  The waiting is a lot like spring in SEK. Some days are sunny and beautiful and I’m happy with life.  Some days are cold and rainy--slightly painful and jarring.  Overall, I still like my life.  I’m still fairly solid on the fact that God has a great life planned out for us.  As deeply as I desire children, I know that He will satisfy that desire.  His timing is perfect.  It doesn’t make it any easier.  It doesn’t make it hurt less or be less emotionally exhausting, but it is perfect.  I’m still sure of that.  

On Sunday, or any other day, make sure you tell your mom you love her.  You always expect her to be around for ever, but you never know when she’ll be gone.  Don’t miss out on your chances to make her feel special like I did.  Also, be kind to the women around you.  Don’t assume that she doesn’t have kids because she doesn’t want them.  If she mentions struggling to have kids, talk to her about it.  Listen and let her be open with you.  It is a deep and painful thing to have trouble getting pregnant.  It is harder when you go at it alone.

Parasites, Trees, and Hobbies!

It has been forever, I know.  I’ll spare you my excuses and pick up where I left off... something about me living in the south.  This has been extremely apparent to me lately as I experience my second summer here in Parsons.  Last summer I was busy with my first year of marriage, dealing with my mom’s illness, trying to make some sort of friendships here in a new place.  This summer, I feel a little more free to actually live and experience new things.  And here are some new, “southern” things I have experienced this summer:  midges and giant ticks.  Midges are something I encountered for the first time on Monday.  I decided to take the dogs for a biking adventure at Big Hill lake.  When I got there, I discovered they don’t allow biking, so I had to hit the trail on foot.  I was instantly attacked by these obnoxious creatures. They look like a cross between a moth, a fly, and a mosquito...and they’re horribly annoying.  Apparently they’re usually in the swampier lands in the south, but sometimes they find themselves up here, annoying the heck out of people like me.  Giant ticks are also frustrating, but for a more disgusting reason.  We had ticks in NW Kansas when I was a kid, but they rarely got very large.  When it stopped raining out there, the ticks disappeared.  We went on a week trip to Colorado for a friend’s wedding in the beginning of June and left the dogs with Sam’s parents.  They love it out there.  They run and go completely native and come back with several of these pests embedded in their skin.  One day after we had returned, I was cleaning and saw something smeared on the floor. It looked like chocolate at first, but on further examination, I realized it was blood. I quickly checked Huckleberry for cuts and gashes, but found nothing.  A while later, there was more blood on the ground and I began to moderately freak out.  I checked Huckleberry again and again found nothing.  As I was cleaning up the blood, I swept something out of the way. It looked like a grey paintball after having all the paint squeezed out.  Then I noticed the legs. Ugh!  It was a tick that had fallen off of one of the dogs and then had been squashed!  I was so disgusted! It was the size of a dime and had been on my dog!  Over the course of the next few days, we found several more ticks on the dogs, including another dime-sized tick.  

Okay, enough of pests and parasites.  Let’s move on to storms!  The last week in May, we got hit with a decent storm.  Some time in the middle of the night I heard a huge thud that woke me up and seemed to shake the house. I assumed it sounded worse than it was because I was asleep.  I dismissed it and went back to sleep.  The next morning, we found this in our front yard:   

About one half of the neighbor’s tree broke off and slammed into our roof on its way down.  It really could have been a lot worse than it was, so we’ll consider ourselves lucky.  We are still dealing with insurance people and contractors to get the damage to our roof fixed.  We knew we needed a new roof anyway, so we may get one a couple of years earlier than we were expecting.
This next story isn’t really about living in the south.  It’s more about living on Earth, I think.  Anywhere you go, you’re bound to run into some interesting characters.  Granted, Parsons may have more than its fair share of these people, but everywhere has them. The other day, we were short on club soda at work, so they sent me to the store to buy some more.  I purchased every bottle they had and was lugging them back to my pickup when this interesting thing happened:  A couple left the store a minute before me and were each carrying a bag or two.  They looked pretty rough, but not too bad.  The guy was sporting a decent mohawk and the girl was wearing cut-off jean shorts and ratty hair.  As I made my way to my pickup, she handed the man the bag she was carrying and ducked behind a pickup.  She was blocked from my view, but the street had a clear shot of her, from what I remember.  She kind of shimmied, ducked down, and then a stream of water started pouring down onto the pavement.  This lasted several seconds.  She shimmied again while standing up, looked around, and ran to grab a bag from the man’s hands.  Now, either she was dumping an invisible bottle of water on the ground or she peed in the parking lot!  I was completely shocked.  To make things even better, as I’m getting into my pickup with about eleven 1 litre bottles of water, I accidently honk the horn.  They both whipped their heads around with startled looks on their faces, laughed, and kept walking.  I’m pretty sure she peed in the parking lot.  
Okay, enough gross/weird stories for the day.  I’ll change the subject.  Sam and I have been watching a lot of Cake Boss recently, which means all I want to do is make cakes now.  Luckily, a few of my friends/relatives have been paying me to do just that!  Here are a few of the cakes I’ve done recently:

I did this one for my Uncle Steve’s 54th birthday.  He loves the KC Chiefs and hates the Broncos, so my friend Stephen helped me out by making a scoreboard for my football field cake.  I filled this chocolate cake with whipped ganache.  I loved it!  I’ll be using that again.

Jodeci is a girl I worked with at Ernestos.  She decided to move to Texas for college so our friend Jordan ordered this cake.  It was a three-layer texas sheet cake in the shape of Texas, decorated with the Texas flag.  It was really fun to make!  And really fun to eat the leftover pieces I had to cut off.

I made this cupcake cake for my birthday at work. The decoration isn’t that great, but I had just got the awesome decorating tip to make grass and wanted to try it out.  And everyone at work loves cupcakes.

I made this several months ago for my cousin’s son’s birthday.  Sam and I are Atticus’ godparents. The blocks are a square version of the cake balls that are so popular right now.  They were good, but reeeeeally rich!

I made this cake for my friends Dawson and Sarah’s wedding.  The bottom layer was chocolate, the middle was white and the top was lemon poppyseed. This was my first multi-tiered cake.  It was scary and fun to make, and it was a great learning experience!

Other than dealing with those interesting things and making fun cakes, I’ve been working quite a bit and hanging out with people I like.  Last summer the natives assured me that it was abnormally hot and wouldn’t normally be like that.  This summer is just as hot, but somehow it seems a little better.  Maybe it’s the fact that we got a new air conditioner and our living room stays a comfy 72-74 degrees all the time now, or maybe I’m just getting used to being a southerner. Either way, I like life right now.  

Happiness, finally!

Just over two months have gone by since I last wrote.  November and December seemed to crawl by.  I think that’s one thing that heartbreak does to people.  I felt like I was stuck in mud, like I would never again be truly happy.  Thinking back on those two months, my memory is foggy and sluggish.  My last post was about waiting for my Messiah to come, knowing he would.  I’m not sure how I had as much faith as I did during those two months.  God has proven himself to me before, and this was the biggest test of our relationship by far, but somehow I knew he would pull through.  

Not long ago, our youth group was discussing Job and how he handled losing everything he cared about.  We asked the kids about how they would handle losing everything.  Most of them felt they would be okay, that losing their families, their homes, their livelihood (they’re in high school....they don’t have to worry too much about that part) wouldn’t change their faith or their outlook.  Even some of the leaders said things like this.  I couldn’t say anything.  I was on the edge of crying through the whole discussion.  I lost one person in my family and it shook me hard!  I know God is loving. I know he has the best in mind for us. But that he would take my mom away from us when she was so sure he would heal her was difficult to grasp.  I could explain it away saying “She was in so much pain, and so broken by cancer, taking her home was the most loving thing to do.”   And maybe that’s true.  But why didn’t he stop it before it got to that point?  She was completely convinced that cancer wouldn’t kill her, but it did.  I don’t know why she had to die.  I could go crazy asking myself why every day.  I suppose it boils down to the fact that being free from pain, disease, brokenness, and everything that isn’t the absolute *best* is the most loving thing.  God wants what’s best for us, and in the end, what’s best is for us to not be here anymore.  It hurts, but its true.  

So, November and December were pretty awful.  Toward the end of December, I felt less sad.  I wasn’t crying every day. I could hear someone say the word “mom” without losing it.  I still felt horribly sluggish.  I couldn’t get enough sleep (even getting 10-12 hours of sleep wasn’t enough!).  I assumed it was still just grief.  I think it was at least partly that, but there was something deeper making me exhausted.  I decided to go to the doctor and test my thyroid and see if that was the problem.  My thyroid tested normal.  So I got my hormones checked.  They were normal.  My doctor suggested insulin resistance might be an issue, so I got that tested, and she was right.  She started me on some medicine and I instantly felt better.  I fall asleep easier and more quickly, wake up easier and in a better mood, and have energy throughout the day.  I have lost about 5 lbs so far, I think, but I’ve been working out a lot too, so I’ve lost more fat and gained muscle.

I love not feeling exhausted and unhappy all the time.  I think it has helped my grief also.  I feel so much better about life in the last 5 weeks it is hard not to be happy and hopeful.  I still miss mom a lot.  I still feel like crying when I think about how much she’s going to miss in our lives and how much I miss hanging out with her and talking to her.  I even teared up typing that last sentence.  But mom was so full of life, laughter, and happiness, I can’t help but think that this is how she would want things.  After her mom died, mom talked about how she was sure Nana was still around.  There’s a verse in the Bible that says we are surrounded by “so great a cloud of witnesses” and mom was sure Nana was in that cloud.  I feel like mom is a part of it too, and that makes me happy to feel happy right now.  

Anyway, I haven’t been doing a lot of cooking/baking lately.  We finally decided to get a new oven!  We bought it, installed it, and the electronics in that oven blew!  Luckily, we bought it at Sears, so they repaired it. It’s beautiful!  I baked in it for the first time last night.  So, hopefully soon I’ll post some of the new foods I’ll be able to make.  For now, you’ll have to settle for a picture of my new oven:

The other thing I’ve been doing lately, since I haven’t been baking and cooking as much, has been knitting.  My cousin and his wife are expecting their first baby, Atticus, in the next two weeks or so.  His nursery is navy blue, light blue, grey, and white with an elephant theme.  So, I decided to knit him a baby blanket.  It took me quite a while, but I just finished it this afternoon. Here’s the finished product:

I am pretty proud of how it turned out. I hope he’ll use it for a long time and totally wear it out.  I’m glad he’s going to be a part of our family.  I can’t wait to meet him and get to know him as he grows up.
Well, I guess that’s all for now.  My husband is taking me out for dinner tonight.  This is our second Valentines day together, and my second as a non-single, non-Valentines hating woman.  It is fun to have someone to be cheesy in love with.  I hope you guys have a good evening celebrating love in whatever form you decide.

Advent

advent [ˈædvɛnt -vənt]
n
an arrival or coming, esp one which is awaited


I feel a deep connection with advent this year.  My church in Denver celebrated advent in their own, semi-liturgical way.  They tried to make each service almost ache with a sense of waiting.  I understood it on an intellectual level.  We wait for Christmas, we wait for the coming of the Messiah.  We partake in the waiting so that we can celebrate the answer to our wait. This year I feel it.  I do ache.  My heart aches, my spirit groans.  

Come, Thou long expected Jesus

Born to set Thy people free;

From our fears and sins release us,

Let us find our rest in Thee.

Israel’s Strength and Consolation,

Hope of all the earth Thou art;

Dear Desire of every nation,

Joy of every longing heart

The people in the advent story were waiting for someone to save them from their shame, their people’s oppression, their fear, and so many other things. They weren’t expecting the Jesus they got. They were expecting a warrior who would protect them, fight for them, vindicate them.  Instead, they got a baby.  They got a pacifist. They got someone who told them to give up everything they had to follow him.  How will the Emmanuel who comes to me be different from the Emmanuel I am waiting for?  

O come, O come, Emmanuel

And ransom captive Israel

That mourns in lonely exile here

Until the Son of God appear

Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel

Shall come to thee, O Israel.

I am waiting for someone to make my heart not hurt anymore, to repay what I have lost, to take away my sadness and give me joy.  Even though every part of me wants to “get over this,” I am going to allow myself to feel.  I’m going to let myself feel the uncomfortable ache.  I will wait for the coming of my Emmanuel because I know He will come.  

The New Reality

The things that make me tear up have been catching me somewhat off guard lately.  Things I would never have thought of: a recipe I wish I had, a conversation with the owner of a local herb store, the new side bar on Facebook.  
My mom battled cancer for almost two years and just recently lost her fight.  Maybe “lost” isn’t the right word.  Maybe she won.  Maybe the rest of us lost.  My family and I were blessed to spend quite a bit of time with her over the last month or so, since it became evident that the tables were turned and she would probably not survive.  Sam and I spent a week with her over the end of October and beginning of November.  I wheeled her around in a wheel chair, helped her to the bathroom, changed her bandages, loved her.  We had been home for about two weeks when dad called to ask to come home early for Thanksgiving.  When I walked in the door I was surprised by how quickly she had faded.  It was becoming increasingly more difficult to think of her as my mom and not as my grandparent.  She looked so old and worn out, and she said such senile things.  On Sunday she was pretty awake and alert.  My sisters and I sat down with her and we used my sister’s computer to record our conversations.  I asked her to tell us why she was proud of each of us, to say what she liked about us.  Her comments were so uplifting! She wanted us to go through her jewelry and pick out what we wanted, and as we sifted through necklaces, earrings and rings, she told us the story behind each one and why she liked them.  
I wish last week had never happened.  I wish I could call my mom’s cell phone and she would answer.  I wish my heart didn’t have to hurt like this.  But, it did happen, and I’m so thankful that it happened the way it did.  We each got to say goodbye, to say how much we loved each other.  We got to serve our mom the way she served us her whole life.  We got to celebrate the life of one of the most beautiful, strong, wild women I have ever known.  I’m so thankful that we had the opportunities we had.  And I’m so glad I was able to spend twenty-six years with such a remarkable woman.  On Monday we had a memorial service.  We remembered her life and shared our memories of the impact she’d had on our lives.  It was so fun to hear how everyone’s lives had been shaped by something my mom did or said.  I felt so honored to be part of her.
And now the journey begins.  Now we try to adjust our lives to this new reality.  Now we learn how to look up recipes and adjust them to being the ones she used to use.  We learn how to see “Chelly Moore” on the right side of our Facebook screens and not look for the little green circle letting us know she’s online.  We get to share our conversations that would have made her so happy and interested with someone else who will also find them interesting.  We get to remember and cry and hurt and someday we will cry and hurt a little less.  
So that’s how my last week has been.  Well, basically my last six weeks.  Now I’m past the wounding and onto the healing part.  I’m thankful for the healing. I’m thankful for being back at home with my sweet husband who has helped me through this whole process.  I’m thankful for the little things that make me happy during these days.  Here’s what I’m happy about today:
-I worked today and they let me serve in the middle section.  Granted, It was super slow and I only made $20, but they have never let me have the sacred middle section before.  It made me feel like my boss thinks I’m good at my job. I liked that.
-Tonight is my first Parsons Christmas Parade!  We are going to my aunt and uncle’s house for treats after the parade so I’m making two delicious goodies.
-I had an interesting conversation with the owner of the herb/massage/natural healing place yesterday.  I was telling her some of my issues and she said I should look into getting my thyroid tested.  If I can get that straighted out, it might solve a lot of the issues I’ve been having.  I find the human body fascinating in the way it all works together. It is crazy how if one thing goes wrong, everything can fall apart, and if you fix that one thing, everything goes back to normal.   I forgot to call the doctor again today, but I’m going to get my thyroid tested next week, hopefully, and we’ll go from there.  
-We finally actually turned on the heat in our house on Tuesday.  I love having a warm house. I love coming inside and noticing the temperature change.  I love not having to wear layers in the house.

I figure you’re interested in what I’m bringing tonight, so here it is:

Chocolate Chip Cheese Ball

• 1 (8 ounce) package cream cheese, softened
• 1/2 cup butter, softened
• 3/4 cup confectioners' sugar
• 2 tablespoons brown sugar
• 1/4 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 3/4 cup semisweet chocolate chips

My chocolate chip cheese ball, rolled in graham cracker crumbs

I’m also making cupcakes with ganache filling. I’m thinking I’ll probably have some with mint ganache and some with regular ganache.  They’ll have buttercream icing and I’m sure they’ll be delicious!  I’m excited about them. :)

Cupcakes with centers removed for filling

White cupcakes have regular ganache filling, green cupcakes have mint ganache filling

I know most of this post has been kind of a downer. I'm really doing okay. My heart hurts and life is quite a bit different now, but I'm still doing okay. My life is still very good and I'm still surrounded by people who love me. This will sound cheesy, but I hope you find time to be thankful even in the middle of this season's stress, expectations and exhaustion. I hope you feel as blessed as I feel right now.