Mother's Day

It is Spring again.  Spring in SEK (SouthEast Kansas, is not for the faint of heart.  Stunning, clear-skied days with the sounds of bird songs and children laughing floating in the air (along with quite a bit of various pollens, of course) are followed by days of pouring rain and chilling wind.  In Denver, Spring was just like Winter, except it brought wetter, heavier snow.  Spring in SEK is an actual season.  Flowers bloom, grass grows, gardens are planted--just like the Springs you’ve read about in books.  It is also torture.  Unlike most of the people here, I don’t dislike cold weather. I love snow and cloudy, cold days.  They make me want to listen to sad folk music and pretend I’m artistic. I like hoodies and sweaters and blankets.  However, I will admit that my heart is jolted each time I have to experience perfect, sunshiny weather (I say “perfect” because the temps stay below 80 degrees) one day and then freeze the next.  I suppose it is for the best, then, that the cold days seem to be over.  However, the warm, muggy days are here to stay.

I think I say something in each post about how it has been so long since I wrote last.  Ugh...some day I will remember to write consistently.  I think part of my problem is I don’t always know how much actual personal information to share on here.  I always try to keep it to “here’s what I’ve been doing” and “here’s a recipe” instead of real, important things in my life.  I don’t know if that’s good or bad.  I don’t know how many people read this and actually care about what’s going on anyway. Lately, the real, important stuff is becoming more and more of what I’ve been doing, which is probably partially why I haven’t written.  

Mother’s Day is quickly approaching.  For most, this is a day of celebration, hugs and kisses, cards and flowers. People return to their parents’ homes to share Sunday lunch with their moms and try their hardest to make her feel special. My mom was always fairly easy-going when it came to Mother’s Day.  I think this was mostly because her mom was anything but easy-going.  For my Nana Beth (that’s what we were supposed to call her, not Grandma), it was a day entirely revolving around her.  She would often make lists of acceptable gifts for my mom and her siblings to give her for Mother’s day, her birthday, or Christmas.  I think Mom got so tired of this attitude (that, and she married into Dad’s family, which barely celebrates any special day), so we celebrated birthdays, Christmas, and nothing else.  Looking back, I wish I’d celebrated mom more.  I wish I’d taken more opportunities to tell her what an amazing mom she was.  But, I’m sure that kind of regret is not one worth hanging on to for long.  

Mom and I, 2010

Combine that history with Mother’s Day with the fact that my mom passed away in November, 2011, and you have a decent combination for not really enjoying the day very much.  Now, add in the fact that I’m not a mom, despite our efforts to make that happen.  For the past two years, this has been our “real, important stuff”.  We decided we were ready to start trying for kids in May 2011.  That would allow us to be married for over a year before our first kid was born.  We waited until we were “older” to get married, so we wanted to get an early start on kids and not be the 60-year-olds who dropped their kids off at college (not that there’s anything wrong with that--we just prefered to be younger).  As my mom got more and more sick, I wanted more and more to get pregnant. I wanted so badly to be able to tell my mom the good news before she passed.  Mom kept telling me not to worry about it, and that it would happen eventually and that we’d be great parents.  A year and half after she passed, I’m still trying not to worry about it.  I still do a terrible job of that. We are dealing with doctors that have narrowed down at least most of the issues.  We are just waiting for medicine to kick in and for our bodies to start working properly.  But with every month that comes and goes without a positive pregnancy test, I get a little more worn down, a little more emotionally ragged, and a little more sensitive.  If you’re wondering why I’m not on Facebook anymore, this is why.  It got to the point where every time I would find out I wasn’t pregnant, I’d get on Facebook and one of my friends would post that they were pregnant, or post baby-belly pictures, or post a picture of their baby that was born yesterday.  I just couldn’t handle that sort of slap in the face, even though it was unintentional.

We are both trying to hold out hope that we will be parents.  We are trying to take advantage of the time we have now (sleeping in on Saturdays, running away together last minute when we get the chance, not having to deal with babysitters, getting to spend time alone whenever we want, getting to save money for later, watching movies made for people over the age of 8, etc.), but still longing and hoping for our family to expand.  The waiting is a lot like spring in SEK. Some days are sunny and beautiful and I’m happy with life.  Some days are cold and rainy--slightly painful and jarring.  Overall, I still like my life.  I’m still fairly solid on the fact that God has a great life planned out for us.  As deeply as I desire children, I know that He will satisfy that desire.  His timing is perfect.  It doesn’t make it any easier.  It doesn’t make it hurt less or be less emotionally exhausting, but it is perfect.  I’m still sure of that.  

On Sunday, or any other day, make sure you tell your mom you love her.  You always expect her to be around for ever, but you never know when she’ll be gone.  Don’t miss out on your chances to make her feel special like I did.  Also, be kind to the women around you.  Don’t assume that she doesn’t have kids because she doesn’t want them.  If she mentions struggling to have kids, talk to her about it.  Listen and let her be open with you.  It is a deep and painful thing to have trouble getting pregnant.  It is harder when you go at it alone.

Parasites, Trees, and Hobbies!

It has been forever, I know.  I’ll spare you my excuses and pick up where I left off... something about me living in the south.  This has been extremely apparent to me lately as I experience my second summer here in Parsons.  Last summer I was busy with my first year of marriage, dealing with my mom’s illness, trying to make some sort of friendships here in a new place.  This summer, I feel a little more free to actually live and experience new things.  And here are some new, “southern” things I have experienced this summer:  midges and giant ticks.  Midges are something I encountered for the first time on Monday.  I decided to take the dogs for a biking adventure at Big Hill lake.  When I got there, I discovered they don’t allow biking, so I had to hit the trail on foot.  I was instantly attacked by these obnoxious creatures. They look like a cross between a moth, a fly, and a mosquito...and they’re horribly annoying.  Apparently they’re usually in the swampier lands in the south, but sometimes they find themselves up here, annoying the heck out of people like me.  Giant ticks are also frustrating, but for a more disgusting reason.  We had ticks in NW Kansas when I was a kid, but they rarely got very large.  When it stopped raining out there, the ticks disappeared.  We went on a week trip to Colorado for a friend’s wedding in the beginning of June and left the dogs with Sam’s parents.  They love it out there.  They run and go completely native and come back with several of these pests embedded in their skin.  One day after we had returned, I was cleaning and saw something smeared on the floor. It looked like chocolate at first, but on further examination, I realized it was blood. I quickly checked Huckleberry for cuts and gashes, but found nothing.  A while later, there was more blood on the ground and I began to moderately freak out.  I checked Huckleberry again and again found nothing.  As I was cleaning up the blood, I swept something out of the way. It looked like a grey paintball after having all the paint squeezed out.  Then I noticed the legs. Ugh!  It was a tick that had fallen off of one of the dogs and then had been squashed!  I was so disgusted! It was the size of a dime and had been on my dog!  Over the course of the next few days, we found several more ticks on the dogs, including another dime-sized tick.  

Okay, enough of pests and parasites.  Let’s move on to storms!  The last week in May, we got hit with a decent storm.  Some time in the middle of the night I heard a huge thud that woke me up and seemed to shake the house. I assumed it sounded worse than it was because I was asleep.  I dismissed it and went back to sleep.  The next morning, we found this in our front yard:   

About one half of the neighbor’s tree broke off and slammed into our roof on its way down.  It really could have been a lot worse than it was, so we’ll consider ourselves lucky.  We are still dealing with insurance people and contractors to get the damage to our roof fixed.  We knew we needed a new roof anyway, so we may get one a couple of years earlier than we were expecting.
This next story isn’t really about living in the south.  It’s more about living on Earth, I think.  Anywhere you go, you’re bound to run into some interesting characters.  Granted, Parsons may have more than its fair share of these people, but everywhere has them. The other day, we were short on club soda at work, so they sent me to the store to buy some more.  I purchased every bottle they had and was lugging them back to my pickup when this interesting thing happened:  A couple left the store a minute before me and were each carrying a bag or two.  They looked pretty rough, but not too bad.  The guy was sporting a decent mohawk and the girl was wearing cut-off jean shorts and ratty hair.  As I made my way to my pickup, she handed the man the bag she was carrying and ducked behind a pickup.  She was blocked from my view, but the street had a clear shot of her, from what I remember.  She kind of shimmied, ducked down, and then a stream of water started pouring down onto the pavement.  This lasted several seconds.  She shimmied again while standing up, looked around, and ran to grab a bag from the man’s hands.  Now, either she was dumping an invisible bottle of water on the ground or she peed in the parking lot!  I was completely shocked.  To make things even better, as I’m getting into my pickup with about eleven 1 litre bottles of water, I accidently honk the horn.  They both whipped their heads around with startled looks on their faces, laughed, and kept walking.  I’m pretty sure she peed in the parking lot.  
Okay, enough gross/weird stories for the day.  I’ll change the subject.  Sam and I have been watching a lot of Cake Boss recently, which means all I want to do is make cakes now.  Luckily, a few of my friends/relatives have been paying me to do just that!  Here are a few of the cakes I’ve done recently:

I did this one for my Uncle Steve’s 54th birthday.  He loves the KC Chiefs and hates the Broncos, so my friend Stephen helped me out by making a scoreboard for my football field cake.  I filled this chocolate cake with whipped ganache.  I loved it!  I’ll be using that again.

Jodeci is a girl I worked with at Ernestos.  She decided to move to Texas for college so our friend Jordan ordered this cake.  It was a three-layer texas sheet cake in the shape of Texas, decorated with the Texas flag.  It was really fun to make!  And really fun to eat the leftover pieces I had to cut off.

I made this cupcake cake for my birthday at work. The decoration isn’t that great, but I had just got the awesome decorating tip to make grass and wanted to try it out.  And everyone at work loves cupcakes.

I made this several months ago for my cousin’s son’s birthday.  Sam and I are Atticus’ godparents. The blocks are a square version of the cake balls that are so popular right now.  They were good, but reeeeeally rich!

I made this cake for my friends Dawson and Sarah’s wedding.  The bottom layer was chocolate, the middle was white and the top was lemon poppyseed. This was my first multi-tiered cake.  It was scary and fun to make, and it was a great learning experience!

Other than dealing with those interesting things and making fun cakes, I’ve been working quite a bit and hanging out with people I like.  Last summer the natives assured me that it was abnormally hot and wouldn’t normally be like that.  This summer is just as hot, but somehow it seems a little better.  Maybe it’s the fact that we got a new air conditioner and our living room stays a comfy 72-74 degrees all the time now, or maybe I’m just getting used to being a southerner. Either way, I like life right now.  

Happiness, finally!

Just over two months have gone by since I last wrote.  November and December seemed to crawl by.  I think that’s one thing that heartbreak does to people.  I felt like I was stuck in mud, like I would never again be truly happy.  Thinking back on those two months, my memory is foggy and sluggish.  My last post was about waiting for my Messiah to come, knowing he would.  I’m not sure how I had as much faith as I did during those two months.  God has proven himself to me before, and this was the biggest test of our relationship by far, but somehow I knew he would pull through.  

Not long ago, our youth group was discussing Job and how he handled losing everything he cared about.  We asked the kids about how they would handle losing everything.  Most of them felt they would be okay, that losing their families, their homes, their livelihood (they’re in high school....they don’t have to worry too much about that part) wouldn’t change their faith or their outlook.  Even some of the leaders said things like this.  I couldn’t say anything.  I was on the edge of crying through the whole discussion.  I lost one person in my family and it shook me hard!  I know God is loving. I know he has the best in mind for us. But that he would take my mom away from us when she was so sure he would heal her was difficult to grasp.  I could explain it away saying “She was in so much pain, and so broken by cancer, taking her home was the most loving thing to do.”   And maybe that’s true.  But why didn’t he stop it before it got to that point?  She was completely convinced that cancer wouldn’t kill her, but it did.  I don’t know why she had to die.  I could go crazy asking myself why every day.  I suppose it boils down to the fact that being free from pain, disease, brokenness, and everything that isn’t the absolute *best* is the most loving thing.  God wants what’s best for us, and in the end, what’s best is for us to not be here anymore.  It hurts, but its true.  

So, November and December were pretty awful.  Toward the end of December, I felt less sad.  I wasn’t crying every day. I could hear someone say the word “mom” without losing it.  I still felt horribly sluggish.  I couldn’t get enough sleep (even getting 10-12 hours of sleep wasn’t enough!).  I assumed it was still just grief.  I think it was at least partly that, but there was something deeper making me exhausted.  I decided to go to the doctor and test my thyroid and see if that was the problem.  My thyroid tested normal.  So I got my hormones checked.  They were normal.  My doctor suggested insulin resistance might be an issue, so I got that tested, and she was right.  She started me on some medicine and I instantly felt better.  I fall asleep easier and more quickly, wake up easier and in a better mood, and have energy throughout the day.  I have lost about 5 lbs so far, I think, but I’ve been working out a lot too, so I’ve lost more fat and gained muscle.

I love not feeling exhausted and unhappy all the time.  I think it has helped my grief also.  I feel so much better about life in the last 5 weeks it is hard not to be happy and hopeful.  I still miss mom a lot.  I still feel like crying when I think about how much she’s going to miss in our lives and how much I miss hanging out with her and talking to her.  I even teared up typing that last sentence.  But mom was so full of life, laughter, and happiness, I can’t help but think that this is how she would want things.  After her mom died, mom talked about how she was sure Nana was still around.  There’s a verse in the Bible that says we are surrounded by “so great a cloud of witnesses” and mom was sure Nana was in that cloud.  I feel like mom is a part of it too, and that makes me happy to feel happy right now.  

Anyway, I haven’t been doing a lot of cooking/baking lately.  We finally decided to get a new oven!  We bought it, installed it, and the electronics in that oven blew!  Luckily, we bought it at Sears, so they repaired it. It’s beautiful!  I baked in it for the first time last night.  So, hopefully soon I’ll post some of the new foods I’ll be able to make.  For now, you’ll have to settle for a picture of my new oven:

The other thing I’ve been doing lately, since I haven’t been baking and cooking as much, has been knitting.  My cousin and his wife are expecting their first baby, Atticus, in the next two weeks or so.  His nursery is navy blue, light blue, grey, and white with an elephant theme.  So, I decided to knit him a baby blanket.  It took me quite a while, but I just finished it this afternoon. Here’s the finished product:

I am pretty proud of how it turned out. I hope he’ll use it for a long time and totally wear it out.  I’m glad he’s going to be a part of our family.  I can’t wait to meet him and get to know him as he grows up.
Well, I guess that’s all for now.  My husband is taking me out for dinner tonight.  This is our second Valentines day together, and my second as a non-single, non-Valentines hating woman.  It is fun to have someone to be cheesy in love with.  I hope you guys have a good evening celebrating love in whatever form you decide.

Advent

advent [ˈædvɛnt -vənt]
n
an arrival or coming, esp one which is awaited


I feel a deep connection with advent this year.  My church in Denver celebrated advent in their own, semi-liturgical way.  They tried to make each service almost ache with a sense of waiting.  I understood it on an intellectual level.  We wait for Christmas, we wait for the coming of the Messiah.  We partake in the waiting so that we can celebrate the answer to our wait. This year I feel it.  I do ache.  My heart aches, my spirit groans.  

Come, Thou long expected Jesus

Born to set Thy people free;

From our fears and sins release us,

Let us find our rest in Thee.

Israel’s Strength and Consolation,

Hope of all the earth Thou art;

Dear Desire of every nation,

Joy of every longing heart

The people in the advent story were waiting for someone to save them from their shame, their people’s oppression, their fear, and so many other things. They weren’t expecting the Jesus they got. They were expecting a warrior who would protect them, fight for them, vindicate them.  Instead, they got a baby.  They got a pacifist. They got someone who told them to give up everything they had to follow him.  How will the Emmanuel who comes to me be different from the Emmanuel I am waiting for?  

O come, O come, Emmanuel

And ransom captive Israel

That mourns in lonely exile here

Until the Son of God appear

Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel

Shall come to thee, O Israel.

I am waiting for someone to make my heart not hurt anymore, to repay what I have lost, to take away my sadness and give me joy.  Even though every part of me wants to “get over this,” I am going to allow myself to feel.  I’m going to let myself feel the uncomfortable ache.  I will wait for the coming of my Emmanuel because I know He will come.  

The New Reality

The things that make me tear up have been catching me somewhat off guard lately.  Things I would never have thought of: a recipe I wish I had, a conversation with the owner of a local herb store, the new side bar on Facebook.  
My mom battled cancer for almost two years and just recently lost her fight.  Maybe “lost” isn’t the right word.  Maybe she won.  Maybe the rest of us lost.  My family and I were blessed to spend quite a bit of time with her over the last month or so, since it became evident that the tables were turned and she would probably not survive.  Sam and I spent a week with her over the end of October and beginning of November.  I wheeled her around in a wheel chair, helped her to the bathroom, changed her bandages, loved her.  We had been home for about two weeks when dad called to ask to come home early for Thanksgiving.  When I walked in the door I was surprised by how quickly she had faded.  It was becoming increasingly more difficult to think of her as my mom and not as my grandparent.  She looked so old and worn out, and she said such senile things.  On Sunday she was pretty awake and alert.  My sisters and I sat down with her and we used my sister’s computer to record our conversations.  I asked her to tell us why she was proud of each of us, to say what she liked about us.  Her comments were so uplifting! She wanted us to go through her jewelry and pick out what we wanted, and as we sifted through necklaces, earrings and rings, she told us the story behind each one and why she liked them.  
I wish last week had never happened.  I wish I could call my mom’s cell phone and she would answer.  I wish my heart didn’t have to hurt like this.  But, it did happen, and I’m so thankful that it happened the way it did.  We each got to say goodbye, to say how much we loved each other.  We got to serve our mom the way she served us her whole life.  We got to celebrate the life of one of the most beautiful, strong, wild women I have ever known.  I’m so thankful that we had the opportunities we had.  And I’m so glad I was able to spend twenty-six years with such a remarkable woman.  On Monday we had a memorial service.  We remembered her life and shared our memories of the impact she’d had on our lives.  It was so fun to hear how everyone’s lives had been shaped by something my mom did or said.  I felt so honored to be part of her.
And now the journey begins.  Now we try to adjust our lives to this new reality.  Now we learn how to look up recipes and adjust them to being the ones she used to use.  We learn how to see “Chelly Moore” on the right side of our Facebook screens and not look for the little green circle letting us know she’s online.  We get to share our conversations that would have made her so happy and interested with someone else who will also find them interesting.  We get to remember and cry and hurt and someday we will cry and hurt a little less.  
So that’s how my last week has been.  Well, basically my last six weeks.  Now I’m past the wounding and onto the healing part.  I’m thankful for the healing. I’m thankful for being back at home with my sweet husband who has helped me through this whole process.  I’m thankful for the little things that make me happy during these days.  Here’s what I’m happy about today:
-I worked today and they let me serve in the middle section.  Granted, It was super slow and I only made $20, but they have never let me have the sacred middle section before.  It made me feel like my boss thinks I’m good at my job. I liked that.
-Tonight is my first Parsons Christmas Parade!  We are going to my aunt and uncle’s house for treats after the parade so I’m making two delicious goodies.
-I had an interesting conversation with the owner of the herb/massage/natural healing place yesterday.  I was telling her some of my issues and she said I should look into getting my thyroid tested.  If I can get that straighted out, it might solve a lot of the issues I’ve been having.  I find the human body fascinating in the way it all works together. It is crazy how if one thing goes wrong, everything can fall apart, and if you fix that one thing, everything goes back to normal.   I forgot to call the doctor again today, but I’m going to get my thyroid tested next week, hopefully, and we’ll go from there.  
-We finally actually turned on the heat in our house on Tuesday.  I love having a warm house. I love coming inside and noticing the temperature change.  I love not having to wear layers in the house.

I figure you’re interested in what I’m bringing tonight, so here it is:

Chocolate Chip Cheese Ball

• 1 (8 ounce) package cream cheese, softened
• 1/2 cup butter, softened
• 3/4 cup confectioners' sugar
• 2 tablespoons brown sugar
• 1/4 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 3/4 cup semisweet chocolate chips

My chocolate chip cheese ball, rolled in graham cracker crumbs

I’m also making cupcakes with ganache filling. I’m thinking I’ll probably have some with mint ganache and some with regular ganache.  They’ll have buttercream icing and I’m sure they’ll be delicious!  I’m excited about them. :)

Cupcakes with centers removed for filling

White cupcakes have regular ganache filling, green cupcakes have mint ganache filling

I know most of this post has been kind of a downer. I'm really doing okay. My heart hurts and life is quite a bit different now, but I'm still doing okay. My life is still very good and I'm still surrounded by people who love me. This will sound cheesy, but I hope you find time to be thankful even in the middle of this season's stress, expectations and exhaustion. I hope you feel as blessed as I feel right now.

Christmas at Thanksgiving Candy

Sam’s brother, Isaac, will be home for Christmas this year, so we wanted to do Christmas with the Jacks.  Also, Abby just had a baby so they aren’t going anywhere for Thanksgiving this year (they usually do Thanksgiving with Jason’s family), but might be going somewhere for Christmas.  Those things combined made us think Thanksgiving with the Moores would be a good plan.  When mom got really sick it seemed like a really good plan.  So, next week, we are heading to my parents one more time.  Tiffiny Jack (my sister-in-law) is having Thanksgiving in Florida with her grandparents, too. So, Tiffiny, Julie and I got together to make Christmas candy a month early.  We traded what we made so that we ended up with a very good assortment of candies.   I decided to make a three candies from my childhood.  I made peanut butter cups, nut goodie, and english toffee.  

Here’s how I made the peanut butter cups:

Peanut Butter Cups
1 package chocolate chips (milk chocolate if you prefer, I like dark chocolate)
½ C Peanut Butter
½ C Butter
⅓ C graham cracker crumbs
⅓ C Peanuts, finely chopped
1 C powdered sugar.

Melt the peanut butter and butter in a sauce pan, stir in the cracker crumbs and peanuts, then stir in the powdered sugar.  Set aside.  Melt the chocolate chips (be careful not to over-cook!).  You can either put them in a pan (chocolate, then peanut butter mixture, then chocolate again) lined with waxed paper, or you can do what I did, and make individual peanut butter cups in mini muffin cups.  It takes forever, but they’re pretty great!

Nut Goodie

6 oz. semisweet chocolate chips

6 oz. butterscotch chips

1 C peanut butter

1 C roasted peanuts

1 cup butter

2/3 cup light cream

3 ounce package vanilla pudding mix (NOT instant)

2 pounds powdered sugar (7-1/2 cups)

1 teaspoon vanilla

Melt the first 3 ingredients together in the microwave or on the stove.  Do not over-heat, just melt slowly.  Line a pan with waxed paper, or use individual mini muffin cups.  Fill the bottom of the pan with a shallow layer of the chocolate/peanut butter mixture.  Set aside to cool.  In a sauce pan, melt together the butter and cream.  Add vanilla pudding and cook until slightly thickened.  Remove from heat and mix in powdered sugar until thick and smooth.  Add vanilla.  Spoon this mixture over the first layer of chocolate.  Add the peanuts to the remaining chocolate mixture and spoon that over the vanilla pudding layer.  Put in fridge or freezer to set up.  Cut into squares and serve (if using the pan method).

English Toffee
1 package chocolate chips
½ C slivered almonds
2 C butter
2 C sugar

In a heavy sauce pan, heat butter and sugar over high heat, stirring constantly.  It will melt and mix together, then  it will start boiling and boil for quite a while.  Once it gets up to about 250 degrees it will begin to change color to a light brown.  Allow it to change color and then remove from heat and pour immediately onto a buttered cookie sheet.  After just a few minutes, pour the chocolate chips over the top.  As they melt, spread the chocolate around.  Sprinkle nuts on top and allow to cool and harden.

"Hello, Grace. We will be good friends."

     I wish all my long absences were for more fun reasons.  Life goes from being fairly consistent and not very exciting (work, clean up the house, make food, watch tv) to being fairly full of conflicting emotions (hope and sadness are probably the front-runners).  Mom’s cancer has spread to the point that it has a grip on most of her abdomen.  Most recently, it has caused excess fluid to build up around her lungs, constricting their movement and not allowing her to get a full breath.  Sam and I went to spend the week with my parents in case this doesn’t get better.  I wanted to be able to have some time with her, to help her and dad.  It was so good to be with her.  She is so hopeful and full of faith that it is easy to be hopeful around her.  There were a few things that were pretty hard to see that week: watching your mom struggle for breath, wheezing and convulsing trying to get air is awful.  She has a pretty huge wound where the cancer has eaten away her right breast and one day I had to dress the wound.  It is just so painful to see my mom like that.     As hard as all that was, it was still really good to be able to spend time with mom.  I still believe that God wants to heal her and that he can and I hope that he will.  I would love for my mom to not be in pain anymore and to have her life back.  I miss her.  
    There was some beauty in last week.  My older sister was due to deliver her fifth child while we were there.  She said that if nothing had happened by Thursday (her due date), her midwife was going to help her “get things moving” (caster oil?  ew...).  On Monday night, Abby came over with her sister-in-law and my good friend, Nicole and her twin sister Natalie.  We watched a movie called “The business of being born”.  The movie was all about natural birth with a midwife vs. hospital birth.  It talked about the medicines hospitals give to induce labor and what they do to the baby and the likelihood of a c-section delivery.  They also talked about the mortality rates for hospital births.  It was interesting to see the statistics and think more about what I would want to do in the future.  The movie talked about how there is a fear surrounding birth, and I realized I had felt that!  I want a baby, pretty badly, but there is that fear of delivering.  All you ever hear about it is “Oh it hurts so bad!” And you see women giving birth in movies or TV shows and they always seem so angry and afraid, like they’re furious with their husbands for making this happen to them, or their husbands aren’t there and they have to face this alone.  So I thought about that some, but didn’t really know what to think of it all.  And then Tuesday came...
    Tuesday afternoon we were all sitting around watching some movie on TV.  Mom was in and out of reality, catching some sleep when her breathing would allow.  The rest of us were half-paying attention.  The phone rang.  Dad answered the phone and “oh really?”-ed and “okay”-ed for a while and then said something about “baby” and gave a thumbs up.  We instantly perked up.  Once he got off the phone he said Abby was in labor, but it was slow for now.  He said she would call when things were getting closer.   We waited and waited and waited and finally we gave up and went over there anyway.  Her labor was speeding up and slowing down and frustrating her quite a bit.  We waited for quite a while, and then we decided to not waste more of mom’s portable oxygen tank and also to let mom get some rest before the big event, so we left and went home.  At around 9, Jason called and said we should probably hurry and get over there.  Abby does water birth, and she had just got in the tub before we arrived.  The contractions were getting stronger and closer together and we all waited in anticipation of meeting the new baby.  About an hour and a half later, things built up to a breaking point and Abby was exhausted.  She told me once that you get to the point where you don’t think you can do any more, that you can’t possibly push again, or handle another contraction, and then you know you’re almost done.  She hit that point, and then she was done.  

    It was beautiful, and full of the strength and grace that beauty possesses. Being a part of the birth was so communal (mom called it tribal) and as far from fear and anger as I can imagine.  I am so grateful that I got to be a part of that before the birth of my first child.  So, after all that pain, hard work, waiting, anticipating, we got to meet her.  At 10:46 pm, November 1, 2011, we welcomed Abigail Grace Shalom Howard into our family.  She has dark hair and dark eyes.  She weighed 7 lb, 7 oz and was 19.75 inches long.  She’s beautiful.  She’s perfect.  
    Abby held her first.  She held her until she needed to get cleaned up and warmed up, and she passed her on to mom.

 

When mom could finally let her go, I got to hold her. There is something so incredible about being the third person this baby has ever met.  “Hi, Grace.” I said “I’m you’re Aunt Hannah.  We are going to be good friends.”


 


















And we are!

Abby expected her to be a lot bigger than she is, so most of her clothes are too big.  That’s why her sleeve is in front of her face. I think she’s waving hello to you.
    So that’s what I did last week.  I loved my mom. I loved my dad. I met my new niece.  I had a life-changing experience.  I was filled with range of emotions at once.  It was a good week.