My not-pregnant self

I don't know how many of you have Facebook or other social media accounts. I do, and have several pregnant friends. You may remember that we have been dealing with infertility and have been trying for several years to get pregnant. So, bear in mind that the infertility issue may have made me more cynical and bitter than people who haven't struggled with this. 

Okay, so many of my pregnant friends post status updates that "condition drop" their pregnancy in the same way people "name drop" famous or important connections.  They do this in such a way as to imply that pregnancy is the only possible reason the rest of the update could occur. For instance:

  "My pregnant self slipped on the ice today.  I'm so sore now!" Or "I went swimming today.  I'm pregnant, so it felt amazing!" Or "I'm so tired! This pregnant mama NEEDS a nap!"

Don't get me wrong, I'm aware that pregnancy can make you more clumsy, or feel more warm than usual. I know that pregnancy can be exhausting. I guess what bugs be is that it sort of implies that I, because I am not pregnant, cannot possibly slip on the ice, need a nap, or enjoy swimming. It makes me want to start adding "my non-pregnant self" (or possibly "my barren self?") to status updates. 

  "Stayed up late last night on a date with my husband!  My non-pregnant self needs a nap!"  Or "I went on every roller coaster in the park today. My barren self is so sore and nauseous!"  

Is that terrible of me?  My friends do it in person too. "I think I'll go home after lunch today. I just am so tired. I mean, I'm pregnant, so..."  Ugh. I need to remember to not do this to my single or non-pregnant friends if/when we do get to have kids. 

Ralph

I woke up at 5 this morning. My back hurt and several other minor annoyances were keeping me awake. Ralph seemed to notice my discomfort. Normally, he would jump off the bed and begin barking his frustration. This morning, however, he crawled up toward the head of the bed. He buried his nose in my hair and let me pet him, the two of us sharing the space of my pillow. He fell asleep there.  So did I. 

On Adorable Children

I downloaded the blogger app on my phone in the hopes that seeing it every day will remind me to write more often. So far, it seems to be working. 

We went to HuHot, a Mongolian BBQ place we like, in Joplin last week. We went with the Jacks for Elsha's fifth birthday and Sam's thirty-first. The cooks at the grill have a few "call and response" yells they do as a team. Elsha and Lizka have learned them and *love* joining in. "How hot?" one guy will shout. "Hu Hot!" The girls answer with the rest of the guys. The food is good, too, but the entertainment is top notch. 

Yesterday we went to my cousin Jono's son's second birthday party. The theme was Hungry Caterpillar. I made a caterpillar cupcake cake.  That evening, we got to hang out with them even more at my first Hickory Hole (a resurrection of an old Parsons BBQ place) experience.  It was delicious. They came back to our house afterward and we watched tv and talked. Atti fed us imaginary food while we all groaned from eating too much real food. They asked Atti if he liked his party and he said yes.  Courtney asked him what he liked most about it and he said "Cake!"  I'll chalk that up as a win for team Aunt Hannah. 

It is back to work tomorrow. At Chinese chef on Friday, my fortune said my life would find me on the water soon. I think that means I need a vacation. 

Nostalgia

I heard from a friend that the old blog site, xanga.com, was shutting down.  The site had instructions to download your old posts and import them to a wordpress site. So, I made a new site for the purpose of housing my old xanga posts. I immediately got started on reading them. I started at the most recent post and worked my way back, leaving off at the end of my senior year of college. Reading my old posts made me realize a few things about myself and my life. They are as follows:

I used to post short posts every few days. I want to get back into the habit of doing that. It was good for my writing and good for the record-keeping. It is so fun to look back at what your led was like 5-10 years ago. Reading your own words brings back a lot of memories and emotions. I would like to have that record so that 5-10 years from now I can look back and remember this time in my life as clearly as I remember 2003.

I used to be very lonely and desperate for love. It is so lovely to look back and realize that 20-year-old Hannah would be so satisfied and content in her 28-year-old self's relationship and marriage. I am loved, and loved very well. Sam is such a good husband and man.  I never have to wonder if he "likes" me, or if we are on the same page. It is nice being secure in that.

I used to be very insecure and unsure of myself. I am still fairly insecure about a lot of things, but it is getting so much better. I give most of that credit to Dee, Claire, Caitlin, and Sam. Those guys have put so much into my life, constantly speak truth to me about my worth and character. If you hear it enough, you start to believe that you're alright.

This all came after seeing Five Iron Frenzy this weekend. Such a week of nostalgia and self-reflection.  Those weeks are good to have sometimes.

Anyway, other than that, it has been a pretty crazy week with work and church and helping people out. I'm thankful to be sitting on the couch after taking the dogs for our first run since the fall. I got a gnarly cold in November and I just got over it in the end of February. Then I was just crazy busy and still couldn't run. Anyway, I'm now terribly out of shape again, so I'm taking it slow on the running. During my insane cold, the weather was also insanely cold. Our pipes froze 3 separate times.   Ugh. It had finally warmed up a bit. It is nice to be in t-shirts with jackets again.

Well, I'm going to get back to the relaxing. Good evening, all.

Making Myself At Home

It is difficult to put down roots. It requires vulnerability and trust. When I first became a Southerner, I was very guarded. I had just left my “home area” of 25 years, my friends, my climate, my terrain, my singleness behind and moved to Parsons. It shouldn’t have been that different, but it was in almost every way. And I was different, too, in almost every way. I’m sure it didn’t help that I had to deal with the passing of my Mom during that year as well, as that only added more ways that my world and I had changed.

Sam and I realized the other day, that after over 2 years of living in the house we own, we still haven’t really settled in. We have no art or pictures on the walls, we have piles of belongings in most corners, stacks of magazines we meant to throw out and never did, half-finished home improvement projects. Neither of us had made this our home. We had to take a hard look at why we hadn’t done such a basic thing. We realized that the underlying reason is that we had both been planning for a future that revolved around the kids we don’t have. So, in my quest to be content with my present situation, I have been making a conscious effort to put down roots--to make real friendships and not just acquaintances or Sam’s friends, to put up decorations, to make our house a home.

Last night, a friend and I took dinner over to another friends’ house. Her family is going through some tough times and we have been trying to help her out as much as we can. They both have daughters right around the same age (one just turned 4 and the other will turn 4 next week) who are good friends. The girls were so happy to see each other, they just kept running and playing and screaming and being adorable. My friends and I just chatted about life, and laughed at the kids, and enjoyed ourselves. It was one of the first times since I’ve moved here where I felt like I had friends I could hang out with without our husbands and have a genuinely good time. It was so fun and refreshing.

We are working on de-cluttering our house, finding permanent places for the things we use instead of stacking them in corners. We are working on making it a comfortable home for us and for those who come to visit us. Last weekend, Sam let me buy a wardrobe to house our blankets and the set of dishes I inherited from my Mom. Our dining room looks so much warmer!

Home is a slow process. It is hard to change so much and then relax and settle. I’ve clearly done a pretty rough job of it for the last 3 years, but I’m working on it. I’m so thankful for my sweet husband who supports and loves me, even when I’m confusing, isolating, and unhappy. And I’m thankful for my friends here, who have tried repeatedly to be my friends even while I held them at a distance. It is good to be loved. I definitely am loved.

Infertility is my Belly Button

Contentment.

More and more, I’m learning how terrible I am with this concept. I have *almost* everything I could ever want or need. I have the most fantastic husband I could ask for. He spoils me rotten (he’s letting me get the iPhone 5s next week!), he cooks for me, cleans for me, works on his Masters degree, works at his job, teaches classes, hugs me, kisses me, supports me through everything. He is seriously amazing. I know, you’re all jealous. We have a house that doesn’t leak, keeps the cold/hot air out and keeps the warm/cool air in. We have two crazy dogs who are so excited to see us, even if we’ve only been gone for a few minutes. We have two cars that work most of the time. We both have jobs, insurance, food, and clothing. We both have interests, hobbies, projects. We both have families who love and support us. And yet, in the midst of all of these amazing people/animals/things we’ve been blessed with, I still have this nagging hole in my heart and mind.

We bought a big house so we would have room for our kids. We got jobs so we could pay for their food and fun adventures as a family. Sam is working on his degree so that we can easily afford for me to stay home with the kids. All of our plans, or at least all of mine, are centered around people who don’t exist.

And when you’re planning for a future around people who don’t exist, how do you live your current life? I seem to spend most of my time cycling through periods of hope and despair and indifference, focussed inward on the hole. My mom used to talk about “Belly Button Syndrome.” She said there is a period in a baby’s development where they realize they have a belly button. It is fascinating to them. They can’t get their minds off of how amazing their belly button is. She said most people never leave that stage. They are fascinated by their own person, focussed inward on their own self (the good or the bad). They barely see the people around them, except to share with them the complete awesomeness of their belly button. I used to think I wasn’t like this. I thought I looked around, congratulated others on their belly buttons, aware that I had one of my own but not focussed on it. I have come to realize lately that infertility is my belly button.

The Fourth of July

I hope you all had a fantastic Fourth.  Last week could not have come at a better time in our house.  Sam worked so hard, finishing assignments, studying for, and taking, a test and a final.  He was spent.  I was spent. I don’t know how many emotional breakdowns we had that week. You know it’s bad when you can’t even count the breakdowns.  But we survived.  He took his final on Thursday... and passed.  We celebrated by renting out the pool and inviting our friends and family to swim and eat homemade ice cream with us. It was the perfect celebration for a very impressive accomplishment: survival.  

The Community College where Sam and I work was closed all last week, so when we left work Thursday, we started on our 10-day weekend.  It was absolutely perfect timing--coming off of the most stressful week either of us could remember and straight into 10 days of paid vacation.  We had plenty to do that week, since the Fourth of July is a major holiday here.  And life threw a few curve balls into the mix also.  Here are the highlights from the last 10 days:

Friday: I went on a nice, hot, 7 mile bike ride in the afternoon.  And then we went to the pool for the party!  We swam and talked and laughed and ate ice cream!  We brought vanilla and coconut (vegan) ice cream and Phil and Julie (Sam’s parents) make a chocolate ice cream that tastes like a Wendy’s Frosty. It was tasty.  Everyone who came brought a topping. We had some tasty sundaes!

Saturday: We left in the afternoon to drive to Joplin for our friends’ wedding and to do a little shopping and have dinner before the wedding started.  We made it about 10 miles outside of town and then our car broke down (*again*).  No tow trucks were around the area, so we had to call our very, very kind friends to come pick us up with their car trailer.  They brought us ice cold bottles of water since we’d been sitting on the side of the road in the sun. They’re so nice!  After a new fuel pump purchased and installed on Monday, the car is back to running again!

Tuesday: Sam was playing games at a friend’s house and I was getting some things done around the house.  I weeded the front flower bed, watered it and had just started to mulch it when I leaned on the one of the rails at the front of the house and felt a sharp stabbing pain on the tip of my first finger.  I pulled my hand back quickly and saw a black spider crawling on my hand.  I shook it off and ran inside. It hurt *so* badly.  I washed it under cold water and it just kept burning.  I put some ice on it and then called Sam to see what I should do (since he took the computer with him).  He came and got me and we tried to find a non-ER doctor to look at it, but no one could.  So I went with Sam to the friend’s house in case I started feeling sick or having an allergic reaction.  But nothing happened other than stabbing, burning pain every time I took my finger off of ice.  So, it must not have been too serious.  The pain calmed down (still hurt, but not so bad I couldn’t think) in the afternoon, so I did some more work around the house. There is still a red dot where I was bitten and it still has that same burning pain if I push on it (which has only happened on accident), so I leave it alone and all is fine. But it was definitely exciting!

Wednesday: Bridesmaid dress shopping with my Aunt, Cousin, and Cousin-In-Law for my other Cousin’s wedding.  We went to the mall afterward and bought $5 Old Navy t-shirts.  My Aunt bought us frozen custard on the way home for my birthday (1.5 months late, but it’s the thought that counts, right?)  Then... Altamont Fireworks!  We went back to the pool for a pool party with our friends.  After the party we had some snacks and watched the city fireworks.  The water was cold that night so I’m pretty sure no one watched from the water, but it was still fun.

Thursday: We woke up to a puddle of water in our laundry room.  The fun part is that in the laundry room we have several possible water sources, so we had to spend quite a while pulling things out, drying the floor, watching where new water appeared, etc.  We finally decided it was our semi-scary water heater (possibly about 15 years old).  We then tried to figure out how to drain it, which we did, but happened really slowly.  We left it to drain in the afternoon and went to my Aunt and Uncle’s for dinner before the Parson’s fireworks.  The nieces and nephews were all super crazy in the evening, so my cousin and I took them to the park to run around.  Sam and I priced hot water heaters using the internet on our phones while we waited for the fireworks to start.  They finally started and the show was great!

Friday: I decided to ride my bike down to Phil and Julie’s house for their fireworks party.  I got everything ready for Sam so he could just load it all and leave.  I left at around 4:20pm and rode into a headwind the entire way down.  It took me over 2 hours and I made it within 3 miles of their house (I rode 22 miles!) before I called Sam to come pick me up.  It was fun, but I was exhausted!  We ate food and played around until the sun went down. Then Phil and Uncle Steve lit off fireworks while we Ooo-ed and Ahhh-ed.  I laid on a blanket with my nieces for most of the show. It was lovely to play and cuddle with those fun girls. We also did our laundry through the evening, since our laundry room is still torn up.

Saturday: We relaxed for most of the day, but by the evening I was feeling restless.  So I texted some friends to see who was free to hang out and then went for a walk with the dogs.  Some Joplin friends drove down and we had Taco Mayo with them.  It was delicious and good fun.  We also got to play Munchkin with them. If you haven’t played it, you probably should...it’s fun.

Sunday: Some friends who couldn’t come on Saturday (or who didn’t get the message until late) invited us to a cheap Matinee showing of “Man of Steel” so we drove over for that. It was a decent movie...entertaining enough.  And then we had chinese food afterward since Sam had been craving sushi all week.  

And today we’re back to work.  The other highlights of the week are: I learned that I actually can run!  I decided to take some friends’ advice and slow it down to where I could talk while running.  On my first run since maybe March or April, I ran 1 mile with only a 1-block walk break....and this was after a nearly 4-mile walk with some running in there too (the dogs couldn’t keep up with me!).  I was pretty happy with myself.  The next time I tried it, I went a little farther (1.5 miles) and just took Huckleberry with me. He’s more in shape than Ralph.  Then I went back and got Ralph for another 1.5-2 miles of walking with a little running.  It felt great!

Anyway, I hope your week was exciting too (but maybe less expensive, and with fewer insect bites).  I hope you got to see lots of friends and family, I hope you felt like you accomplished something impressive, and I hope you had some time to relax and rest.